Percy Jackson and the Twelve Tasks of Chaos
by najanaja
Summary: When a strange man shows up in Percy Jackson's bathroom and offers him a deal, he can't help but see where it leads. Now contracted to complete twelve tasks for the entertainment of one crazy primordial, what will happen next?
1. Chapter 1

Ch. 1

Percy Jackson wanted to die.

"Oh man, I really wanna fucking die!" said Percy. He was currently in his posh New York apartment, drawing a bath and grabbing the toaster.

"If this doesn't do it, I'm gonna use the cheese grater as a fleshlight!"

Percy wasn't in a very good place. He had the looks, he had the money, he had the power, but he didn't have the big kahuna. The poor sod wasn't happy. After his abusive childhood with no real father figure, becoming a battle-hardened child-soldier and a veteran of two wars, as well as the deaths of everyone he loved (and everyone he didn't, almost everybody died in those wars), Percy Jackson wasn't a prime example of an exuberant young soul.

He was still welcome on Olympus, but seeing the half-built work of his dead ex didn't really lend itself to the situation.

Thus, his current situation. Taking a bath with an electrical appliance. He didn't really know if the water and electricity would cancel themselves out in his special case, but he was willing to find out. Grabbing his trusty Waring Toaster Wct708 from the kitchen, he made his way to the bathroom, intent on finding Elysium.

Or Asphodel. He wasn't in any position to be picky, and as long as he wasn't going back to Tartarus he didn't really care.

However, when he opened up the bathroom door, he was surprised to see a man sitting on the toilet, pants down to his ankles, reading the paper. Hearing the door open, the man glanced up from the times, his eyes wide.

"GAh! Get out! Can't you see I'm trying to take care of some business!" Percy quickly slammed the door shut, and yelled out a quick apology, the unfortunate Waring Toaster Wct708 falling from his hands and crashing to the floor.

"Wait a second…"

The toilet flushed, and the man in the bathroom came out to one very disgruntled demigod, finding himself on the wrong end of a large knife.

"Who are you, and why are you in my house?" The man smiled and shook his head.

"I believe that this conversation would be better suited to a more comfortable location." Just as Percy was about to respond, the man snapped his fingers and they appeared in the living room, sitting in some admittedly comfortable armchairs. With another snap, two cups of coffee were in their hands.

"Do you take cream? I myself prefer it black, but of course it's up to you," Percy wordlessly nodded, a constipated expression on his face. "Excellent."

"Well, down to business then. My name is Chaos, Lord and Creator of the Universe."

"What the fuck?"

Chaos was a tall man, wearing a fine but not expensive suit, colored mint green. He had on a sun hat, and long white socks with suede shoes. He looked like a 70s porn star. His skin shifted colors, and he had a large nose. His hair was brown.

"Ah, yes. The three most common words I've heard in the past hundred years or so, and variations of it before that. Interesting enough the Chinese had some delightful-"

"Lord Chaos, sir?"

The man stopped and looked Percy in the eye. His pupils were an endless nothing, extending over a plain of darkness. In his eyes you could see the beginning of everything, a spark that set it all in motion, stars and planets extending over galaxies- Chaos broke eye contact and winced.

"Yeah, that tends to happen around me. Just try to avoid eye contact."

"I'll try to uh… keep that in mind."

"If you would. Now Perseus, I have come here to stop a grave travesty. My granddaughters- The Fates- had you dying over yonder in that bathtub, with a few thousand volts of electricity pumping through your prone, cold body, by your own hand no less. I saw them cutting your string myself, and I, Lord Chaos, have come to save you."

Percy took this in, his face etched into an expression of disbelief.

"No offence, Lord Chaos, but I kind of want to die. And how do I even know that you're really Chaos?"

Chaos tapped Percy's temple.

"What… whoa…"

"That's a new color. I'll call it Messi, in honor of the true football king."

"It's beautiful, Lord Chaos, but I still want to die."

"Nonsense, my boy!"

"I'm pretty sure I want to die."

"Oh, silly Perseus, you don't want to die!"

"Of course I do! I have nothing to live for!"

"I never said you had anything to live for! That's why I'm here!"

"Lord Chaos, my entire family is dead- my girlfriend, my mom, step-dad, my cousins, all my friends, most monsters, the Ares cabin-"

"My dear boy, stop with the pessimistic attitude! Think of it like this: everyone you love isn't dead, they're simply not alive." he said with a sincere smile. "And I can give you purpose, but only if you give me a chance."

Percy looked on, focusing on Chaos' nose. You know, maintaining what's almost polite eye-contact without actually making eye-contact.

"Alright," he finally said. "I'll give you a chance." Chaos grinned, flashing his bright smile. As Percy looked at Chaos' smile, he saw a thousand setting suns, giving the last shreds of a day to millions of worlds- Chaos winced.

"Actually, just keep focusing on my nose."

Chaos and Percy had relocated to a bar to discuss Chaos' proposition. Both agreed that getting drunk was the best option in terms of discussing serious business, Percy because drinking to forget sorrows is depressingly real, and Chaos because Chaos just really loved getting really fucking drunk. The bar was kind of trashy, but not rat-in-the-toilets-roach-in-the-sink level. It was more of a moderate white-trash-chewing-tobacco-and-drinking-bud-light level of trash, as it was a beloved local establishment. If you wanted to sit outside, you had to stay in the cage, to prevent the all-too-common bar fights from spilling out into the road.

"You know Perseus-" sang Chaos on his sixth beer.

"Please, call me Percy." said Percy, pausing in the middle of his tequila shot.

"You know, Percy, I had this really crazy idea man. Real fuckin' crazy. I was gonna save your ass, and then bless you and shit, and give you all these really cool powers, and make you the commander of my awe-inspiring army of destruction, where you would go down in history as the greatest hero ever to grace the shores of Earth, but now I have a better idea!"

"Really?" asked Percy, flagging down the waitress to buy more alcohol.

"Yeah, really! But I just realized, that would be totally cool and all, but have you ever seen the Mission Impossible movies? The ones with Tom Cruise- gods I love Tom Cruise, he's my favorite result of creating the universe! You know he does all his own stunts? In fact, I was thinking of making this island devoted to Tom Cruise, but now I'm rambling and I really need to get on with enlightening you to my radical idea!"

"Interesting." Percy nodded, before taking a swig from a bottle of whiskey.

"Yeah, well I realized man, I need my own Mission Impossible dude to tie up loose ends and all that. I've decided, you're the man for the job! I've drawn up the contract and everything! You're gonna be a real badass Perce, and I can even make it into a learning experience! It's gonna be all, burn this after reading and all that, real cool! What's your favorite number?"

"Six?" Percy was face down on the table, surrounded in empty bottles and glasses.

"Higher."

"Seventeen?"

"Lower."

"Nine!"

"Did you say twelve? Alright, twelve tasks for the Champion of Chaos! This will be so much more entertaining than Herakles! I'll have to broadcast it into the void! Just sign here, and everything will be good to go!"

Percy sloppily signed his name.

"Hmm, Repcy Sockajn? Sounds about right. The first task will happen in three weeks. I'll stagger out your wicked powers after you complete each task, so you're on your own for the first one. See you in three weeks! Ta-ta!"

Percy was engaged in a bar fight, up against the cage, beating the shit out of some redneck hick.

Percy woke up the next morning covered in his own sick, as well as with a migraine that would trouble the gods. On his bedside table, a sheet of paper with a sloppy signature at the bottom. Taking a few minutes in an attempt to decipher it, he had one thing to say.

"Oh, fuck."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Thanks to The Shadowman, my first reviewer.

Ch.2

"Ah, Perseus! Just the man I wanted to see!" said Chaos. The three weeks had passed in a blur, and Percy had worked very hard to regain some semblance of fitness in order to complete Chaos's missions impossible. Upon reading the contract, Percy had discovered several clauses that wouldn't be too good for him if he failed, or refused to participate.

"Are you ready for your first mission? Also, in the future I will be sending you dossiers, burn after reading of course." Chaos said with a wink. "Your first task will be something juicy. You will partake in an assassination!"

Percy was slightly confused.

"Just an assassination? I've killed plenty of important people!" he said. Chaos smiled sadistically.

"Let me rephrase that. You will be competing with the Hunters of Artemis to assassinate Orion in Ancient Greece. You will have to complete the kill before they do, and if you succeed you will have to endure being hunted by them for the next several millennia!"

Percy smiled. Obstructing the hunt of Artemis was sure to lead to an untimely death. Then he paled, remembering the contract.

"What do you mean the next several millennia? I'm pretty sure I'm not immortal, Lord Chaos, sir!" Percy said disdainfully. "And I'll have you know that I was perfectly fine killing myself with a toaster. Pissing off the hunters isn't how I envisioned my death!" he added.

"Percy, Percy, my dear Percy," Chaos chuckled. "It's called Mission Impossible for a reason! You didn't think I was just going to have you doing something stupid, like toppling the western civilization with twitter? No, everything you do will at least be as hard as finding a small catholic family!"

Percy's chances weren't looking good.

"What about the immortality?"

"When you signed that contract, you didn't just sell me your soul! You became the Champion of Chaos! A position of that level demands at least partial immortality. You have, coincidentally, the same type of immortality as the Hunters of Artemis."

"Gods-be-damned! How is this whole thing gonna work, man? You're gonna send me back in time to survive for several millennia while you ring up once every couple centuries to do some weird-ass task?" Percy asked angrily.

"Yup, pretty much."

"What the fuck?" Percy was perturbed.

"Like I said, the three most common words!"

"What the actual fuck?" Percy was extremely perturbed.

"That's not a new one. You're not unique."

"Why me Chaos? Why pick me?" asked Percy.

Chaos straightened up and looked at Percy, with an expression of sly curiosity.

"Truthfully, I think you need this Percy Jackson. Look at you- you're passive. Where's the demigod that gained the respect of the gods? Who became a beloved figure to the Romans? Where's the feisty little spitfire who went stole the lightning bolt? Huh? You need time to heal, but you don't need idle time. Plus, I collect souls. Yours is a beautiful emerald color, too good to pass up." Chaos mused. "And then there's the fact that you're the most entertaining thing since the Red Scare."

"For the record, I didn't steal the lightning bolt; I retrieved it, with the help of my friends." Percy grumbled.

Chaos smiled.

"Before I send you off, I will bestow upon you a gift. For this task, you are the hunter, but it is very likely you will become the hunted," he smirked. "So I will give you a bow, arrows, and a quiver. They are the teeth and claws of the predator." Percy groaned in misery. " I will also give you two hunting knives, they are the horns and hooves of the prey. Ta-ta, Percy Jackson, and remember: always check your shoulder!"

Chaos snapped his fingers.

xxx

Ancient Greece wasn't really what Percy imagined. He couldn't see any hairy naked men wrestling each other in a fight to the death, there weren't any townships being ransacked by Spartans, no weary travelers being accosted by nagging monsters, and there sure weren't any identifiable Orions.

It's probably lucky there aren't any identifiable hunters either. Percy thought.

He was currently in Crete, on the trail of the hunter in the sky. He was camping along the coast, refusing to stay in any area with a settled population. The best way to complete this task was to find the hunters, and they would be out in the wilderness, not in some cushy (for ancient standards) village or citadel.

Percy was going to make his way to Chrysi Island, which had the largest Lebanon Cedar forest in all of Europe. Forest means hunters. Hunters means forest. Never mind the fact that there wasn't any natural drinking water in the whole of Chrysi. There were probably birds there, good target practice, and he might be able to use his time to become somewhat mediocre with a bow. Or so he hoped.

What do I know about Orion? Orion… hunted with Artemis and Leto… killed by Apollo or Artemis depending on whom you asked. I'm missing something. Merope? Chia? Chia pets? Pinocchio? Oenopion? Oenopion? And Chios! That's it!

Orion was the son of Poseidon and Euryale, the Princess of Crete. Orion could skate like Jesus on the waves because of Daddy-O. He walked on the sea to the island of Chios where he got drunk and attempted to rape Merope, the child of Oenopion, who happened to be the King of Chios. Oenopion plucked out Orion's eyes and drove him away. Orion made his way to Lemnos where the Forge of Hephaestus was located. After pleading with the god, Hephaestus made Orion mechanical eyes. Orion returned to Chios to get back at Oenopion, even though it was because of his attempted sexual assault that got himself in the situation in the first place. Oenopion managed to escape. Orion's then ventured to Crete where he hunted with Artemis and Leto. He and Artemis got a little too close, and Apollo came in a misguided attempt to protect Artemis' chastity. That lady doesn't need any protection. He tricked Artemis into killing Orion, and as a tribute to her dead buddy she placed him in the sky. Unfortunately, she couldn't get him back down again when his rat-bastardness was discovered, and Artemis' hatred for men was reinforced.

Okay, something's gonna be changed here. It all depended on when Percy was in relation to the story. If he was before the story even started, he could prevent a lot of suffering. But Chaos had inferred he would likely come into contact with the Hunters of Artemis, which meant he was probably in the latter half.

We'll go train in Chrysi, and pay attention to the goings-on in Crete.

With that thought, Percy hit the waves, heading for Chrysi.

xxx

The birds on Chrysi were a very nice shade of messi. They were lighter than the original color, and very beautiful. Percy Jackson wanted to kill them all.

"Stay still, you twat!" The bird mobbed him again, as he brought up the bow, drew back the string, and took careful aim. The bird perched midway up a tree, on a branch that extended over the beach. He let the arrow go. In a majestic arc, it flew, and buried itself in his foot.

"FUCK! Oh shit, that hurts!" The bird squawked and flew away.

Percy had been on Chrysi for about six weeks. Between re-discovering his uselessness with a bow, practicing with the hunting knives, and turf wars with the local nudist colony, his time was well occupied. Hearing the sound of drums in the distance, followed by chanting and a blood-curdling scream, Percy groaned.

"Please tell me they didn't summon Lamia again! She just wouldn't die!"

Percy took off as the chanting and drums grew louder. The nudist colony really brought a new meaning to the phrase "noisy neighbors". He quickly cleared his campsite, running along the shoreline, in case he need to use the sea. From what he'd figured out, the colony was very fond of their bi-lunar cycle ritual sacrifices to summon daemons from the darkest depths of Tartarus. His first night on the island he had been attacked by several powerful empousa, as well as a hellhound or two. The chanting suddenly cut off as more screams rang out from down the shoreline.

Percy groaned again.

"What did they do this time?"

He found his answer, as a creature that looked half 'MURICA, half Aslan, and full "I'm about to fuck you up!" pranced into his path. This thing didn't sprint, waddle, or gallop, it didn't lumber or flounce; but it bounded into the path with a spring in its step, prancing all the way!

Percy groaned.

"Fuck. My. Life."

Before the son of Poseidon, in all of its obtuse glory, was a griffin. A griffin whose beak was currently bloodstained, and whose eyes promised vengeance. Percy did what anyone would do. He turned and ran. Or hobbled, in his case.

Just gotta get to the sea to the sea to the FUCK! The griffin tripped Percy, metres from the sea. It raised its taloned foreleg, ready to coat it in gore. It swung, and was surprised when its strike was parried into the sand. Percy drew the other hunting knife, and raked it across the griffin's chest. The griffin screeched, and jumped over Percy, maneuvering itself between him and the sea. Steaming blood dripped slowly from its chest, and where it dropped the sand melted to glass.

"I know some of them were a little on the skinny side, but don't you think the nudists were a tad more delectable than me?" The griffin rushed towards him, screaming all the way. Percy groaned. "Come and get it, bird-brain!"

Percy slashed wildly at the creature's shoulder, but the griffin blocked it with a knuckle. Its head gouged at Percy's chest, and drew blood on the left side. It sprung off the demigod, leaving four gashes on Percy's leg where the lion's paw had planted itself. Percy charged wildly, quickly covering the distance. He brought his knives towards both sides of the griffin, and when it blocked he kicked the gash on its chest. As it was gasping in pain, he resumed his sprint to the sea. Just as he was about to make it, pain erupted from his left ankle.

The griffin had latched itself onto his leg, and was biting and scratching along the back of his calf. Screaming, Percy brought a hunting knife down on the anchoring eagle foot, severing it. He dragged himself and the griffin into the water, grasping its head. He brought his other hand under the creature's neck, and the water rushed to do his bidding. In less than a second, the griffin was impaled on a water sword that was sharper than Michael Jackson's post-surgery nose. Probably sturdier, too.

The griffin looked surprised as begin to vanish into dust, leaving behind its detached forepaw. Looking down at his leg, which was doing its best to heal itself, Percy turned a light shade of green. His achilles tendon was ruptured and visible, and his calf was cut to the bone in two places.

At least it was the same leg he shot with the arrow. Percy groaned, and just before he fainted into the waves, he caught a flash of gold, right on the edge of his vision.

xxx

Percy woke up on the forest floor, a tent above his head. He could still smell the cedar, as well as the sea. He was also bound and gagged, which was kind of annoying.

Wiggling onto his side, he paused as he hit something furry, which yelped in surprise. Straining his head to take in his surroundings, he immediately stopped moving.

Of course they put him in the wolf tent.

There were six sleeping wolves in various positions surrounding him.

"I wouldn't move if I were you."

The voice came from beyond Percy's line of sight. It was slightly gravely, much like gravel.

"I'll admit I've never found myself in such a situation. Coming across a powerful child embraced by the waves after defeating a terrible monster. Usually it is I who is doing the defeating, and I who is embraced."

Due to an inherent flair for dramatics, the man strode into his sight before continuing. Cold, golden mechanical eyes glinted in the light from a torch that magically appeared just for this dramatic moment.

"I did not know of any other children of Poseidon in all of Greece, and here I find one on the verge of manhood. Most suspicious." Orion licked his lips.

Another wolf entered the tent and stood beside him, bringing the total canine count to seven. This one was a stark white compared to the grayish-black of its compatriots.

"I will give you three minutes to explain yourself. Any more or less, and I shall kill you."

Orion had the dramatic speech down to a plus. He removed the gag, and gestured for Percy to speak.

"Uh… You know how it goes, man," said Percy in his most hippie voice possible. "I just wanted, to like, connect with myself man, you know, become one with my inner-self…"

Orion nodded thoughtfully.

"An admirable prospect. How exactly did you go about this quest for inner-peace?"

"That's actually a pretty chaotic story. I wouldn't want to bore you with the details."

"I see. And how did this bring you to Chrysi?"

"I found out about this really cool commune...ity. I decided to go check it out, but it turns out our politics were too different."

Orion seemed happy with his explanation.

"Sirius detected no lies from you, so I have decided I can trust you." Orion pointed towards the white wolf, who was currently humping a tent post. "Tell me, have you been in the area long? I have come to search for Artemis, to finally find a worthy hunting companion."

Percy nodded his assent.

"Yes, I came here from Crete. Do you think you could untie me now? And maybe give me back my weapons?"

"Crete, you say?" Orion ignored his question. "That's where I'm going! It's prime Artemis territory!" Orion smirked. "Two minutes and fifty-seven seconds… you're lucky I'm feeling merciful."

Percy smirked. It couldn't have been thirty seconds.

Orion rushed out of the tent, Sirius bounding after him. In his rush, he had stepped on one of the other wolves' tail. It woke up, raised its head, and turned its eyes to Percy.

He let out a relieved sigh when it lay back down.

xxx

"Lady Artemis, I have brought you an offering!"

Percy was certifiably fucked. Orion had dragged him, literally, into his chase for Artemis. After their conversation, Orion had refused to remove his bonds, and kept him gagged with the wolves. The only good thing was that his leg was healed. It was amazing what being dragged through the waves would do for a son of Poseidon. Keeping him restrained was unintentionally wise on Orion's part, as Percy would have certainly attempted to kill him if he had full accessibility to movement, as well as weapons. His pursuit had lead them near the peak of Mt. Ida, in Crete.

For a fortnight, Percy had had nothing to eat except scraps of raw meat, as Orion may have been a hunter, but he wasn't a cook, and he definitely wasn't generous.

So, here he was. Bound and gagged at the feet of Lady Artemis, most likely about to meet his end. If you'd asked Percy a few weeks earlier, he would've been happy about it.

The goddess looked him over, and shrugged.

"I've seen better."

Orion looked gobsmacked. Percy didn't know whether to be offended, or relieved. He chose a mixture.

"My lady?"

"I've seen better. This one's nothing special. Look at it. Utterly defeated. I prefer my prey with some fight left in it. So you, male, must find a better sacrifice."

"My lady! This is a male child of Poseidon. Think of the power it holds!"

Artemis's eyes blazed with fury. She swiftly kicked Orion in the crotch, and scolded him not so gently.

"You dare? You shall do as I say, worm! Now, off with you! If you find me a worthy sacrifice, you may hunt with me!"

Orion grumbled, and made to take Percy away. Artemis stopped him before his hand could touch, kicking him in the stomach.

"What do think you are doing, worm? That is my property now! Mine! Off with you, lest I send my hunters after your revolting backside!"

As Artemis continued her Orion beat down, Percy swiftly wriggled into the underbrush.

"Do you understand, worm? I bet the creature here is at least able to listen!" Artemis gestured at her feet, looked down, and found nothing there. She looked up quizzically. "Huh, where is the beast?"

A horn rang out, symbolizing the beginning of a hunt. Hunters ran down the mountain, following the trail of their prey. Percy had continued his slithering descent, often times rolling down the steep crags.

However, he was unable to evade his captors for long, given his current state, and he heard a shuffling from behind him. Orion's white wolf burst out of a patch of trees, easily catching up to Percy.

He growled menacingly. Percy looked at him pleadingly. The wolf advanced.

"Good boy, uh, good wolfy, please don't kill me!"

The wolf paused, looking stunned. Percy continued.

"Sirius, right? You're a good wolf!"

The wolf sat down in a daze.

"Good boy! Good, good boy!"

A lone tear ran down the wolf's cheek. It sniffled as it cried. Then it lunged. Percy looked in astonishment as his bonds were broken. He stood up weakly. Sirius gave him one last look, and trotted away.

"Sweet!"

Percy quickly continued down the mountain.

Time to retreat and regroup.

xxx

It had been weeks since the incident with Artemis, and Percy was aggravated. He was currently engaged in a game of cat and mouse with the hunt, as well as Orion, who had been tasked with apprehending them. At least, he thought Orion had been trying to apprehend them. It was hard to understand someone whose tongue had been violently cut out by the moon goddess. It was hard to understand someone who'd had their tongue cut out, period.

Add to the formula Percy's task, and it made for a miserable month.

It had started on a good note, with Sirius returning Percy's weapons, escaping Orion's clutches, and immigrating to Canada. At least, he thought he was immigrating to Canada. It was equally hard to understand a wolf as it was to understand a man whose tongue had been cut out by the moon goddess. Maybe it wasn't Canada, seeing as Canada didn't exist at this moment. Percy's month quickly went downhill after that.

Both Artemis and Orion were ruthless hunters, and in the rare occurrence when they were able to work together, offered a formidable team. Percy fixed this by dropping a little factoid about Orion's women-abusing past.

All sides had sustained injuries in the few conflicts between them, the most notable being Orion's "accidental" castration. Merope was avenged, and Percy would never look at seashells in the same way. The hunt was impressive in its search for justice.

He was currently near Athens, and their merry jaunt had lead them all around Greece. Percy had found out the hard way it was nigh impossible to avoid Artemis and the hunt, and having almost no prior outdoor experience, it was a baptism in fire. Or the Greek equivalent.

The olive trees really were beautiful, but gods Artemis and Orion were annoying. Percy made his decision. This was where he'd make his final stand. Or where Orion will make his. He really hoped the latter.

He also hoped Artemis wouldn't kill him. All he needed was a plan.

Looking back on it, he was thankful he'd gone to Chrysi. He'd never have learned how to summon monsters and daemons anywhere else. He started to work.

Percy had seen Home Alone once as a child, and couldn't help but notice the similarities between himself and Kevin. Both tragic victims of circumstance, both creative, ingenuitive hurricanes of brilliance, both boys turned men through trials of pain.

So Percy decided to pay homage to his comrade, and set up the king of all booby-traps.

Okay, if I get Orion to walk into the summoning circle here, it will be relatively easy to complete the ritual. Artemis and Orion would arrive soon, and Percy was nearly prepared. Unfortunately, there was no awesome montage of Percy rigging the clearing complete with banging 80s Christmas music. Most likely because of the lack of cameras. And the 80s. And Christmas. It reminded Percy of Canada.

Anyhow, Percy had set up his nice little summoning circle, a perfect network of runes and geometric arrays. It was a work Hecate would be proud of. However, it wouldn't be Ancient Greece Alone without at least one more trap, now could it?

xxx

From his vantage point, Percy watched as Artemis strolled into the clearing. She had her silver hunting knives out, twirling them lazily around her hands.

"Oh, male? Male? Where art thou, male? she called out. She paused, waiting for an answer. "Not coming out, eh? That's alright. You can come out whenever you want, I won't think any different of you, worm."

If Artemis was here, Orion would be at least a couple miles behind. Useless, that one was. All he had to do was keep Artemis occupied for a little while.

"No, really, if you don't want to come out it's fine! Come out when you're ready!"

Percy still didn't reply.

"Okay. I know you're here. I'll let you come out by yourself." Artemis sat down, laying her weapons beside her. She then started fiddling with the grass. She looked up again. "Don't worry little prey, I'm by myself if that's what you're worried about. I knew you wouldn't want to come out with a big crowd around. The hunt is back at Crete, you don't have to worry, everything will be alright!"

At this point, Percy was praying to Chaos that Orion would come soon. Fortunately for him, someone was listening.

Orion stumbled into the clearing, looking worse for wear. His clothes were ripped and ragged, and dried blood was clearly visible running down his leg. He was missing one of his mechanical eyes, and his hair looked matted and grimy. Artemis jumped up in surprise.

"You!" she exclaimed. Orion whimpered in response.

Percy put the first stage of his plan into action. He dropped from the tree and ran into the clearing. Artemis and Orion were on the opposite side, the former kicking the shit out of the latter.

"Tally ho!" Percy yelled.

Artemis stopped her skilled killing of Orion, leaving him only slightly alive. She slowly looked up, her silver outfit spattered with red. She looked Percy in the eye.

"Ha! I knew you'd come out eventually!"

Percy sprinted back into cover. Artemis rushed after him, but failed to notice the tripwire Percy had so carefully avoided.

When she tripped, her eyes widened in realization, and a large net fell on top of her, leaving her powerless.

"Ratfuck!"

Percy once more made his way into the clearing. However, Orion was nowhere to be seen, only a few crumbs of ambrosia where he had lain. Damn, Kevin would be disappointed in him.

"Lady Artemis, could you do me a favor and give me some of Orion's blood?"

The goddess pouted, crossing her arms under the net.

"If I do, will you release me?"

Percy considered her offer.

"Only if you swear on the Styx, not to harm me."

Artemis looked affronted.

"Then, no. I will give you a three-minute window in which I will not hurt you, but that's my final offer. Deal?"

"Are you in any position to bargain?"

Artemis glared at him. Percy flinched.

"Alright, alright. Deal. Swear it on the Styx."

"You have to swear to release me."

"I, whose name shall remain unknown, do swear on the Styx to release you, if you give me Orion's blood."

"I, Phoebus Artemis, swear on the Styx not to harm you within a three minute window pending your release of me."

Two rumbles of thunder followed.

Percy removed the net, and Artemis tore a small strip from the bottom of her blouse, that was covered in blood. Percy had originally planned for Orion to be the summoning foci, but his blood would have to do. He moved the strip into the center of the summoning circle, beginning to chant.

Artemis raised her eyebrow at the display. When Percy finished, there was a flash of light, as well as a blood-curdling scream from somewhere in the trees.

Artemis looked at Percy.

"I'm assuming the ritual drew on his power to complete the summoning?"

Percy nodded. Artemis whistled.

"Blood tied it to him?"

Percy nodded. Artemis whistled.

"Impressive."

"Thank you, milady."

"You have a little while longer before I kill you. I'd suggest using your time to mount an unsuccessful escape."

People really didn't know how to count out three-minute windows. Instead of taking her advice, Percy sprinted in the direction of the scream.

When he found Orion, he was being assaulted by the summoned creature. The monster had the back legs and feathered tail of a chicken, and the front and head of horse. It was currently scratching Orion viciously as he moaned pitifully.

Horse… horse.

"Stop!" Percy shouted. The monster turned around.

 _Who the fuck are you?_

Percy laughed in relief.

"I am Perseus, son of Poseidon."

The creature immediately bowed.

 _I'm sorry, milord. Please forgive my transgression._

"Don't worry, it's fine. I will, however, need you to carry me away from here once I finish off that one." he gestured towards Orion. "Also, please don't call me lord. I'm not my father." Percy also decided mentioning Orion was also a son of Poseidon wouldn't be the best idea.

 _Oh, my lord, allow me._

Percy sighed.

"Nah, I kinda have to do this. It was a homework assignment."

Percy opened Riptide, but then capped it. Instead he pulled out his bow from Chaos. He notched an arrow, took careful aim, and let it fly. The arrow flew backwards, over his shoulder and up, hitting a branch in precisely the right place to break it. The branch fell on Artemis, who was sneaking up behind Percy with a hunting knife. It hit her on the head, knocking her out. Always check your shoulder.

"Sweet!"

Percy uncapped Riptide again, and this time finished the job. He turned towards the monster.

"What exactly are you?"

 _I'm a hippalectryon, milord._

"Nice. Do you have a name?"

 _No, milord._

"Do you want a name?"

 _It would be an honor to be named by you, milord._

Percy sighed again.

"Okay. Do you like the name Hippo?"

 _I absolutely adore it, milord._

Percy couldn't tell if Hippo was being sarcastic or not, but figured the hippalectryon would let him know if he really hated it.

"Cool beans. Let's get out of here, I really don't want to be around when she wakes up."

As if to spite him, Artemis began to stir.

So Percy Jackson and Hippo the hippalectryon galloped away.

xxx

"Hello, Percy! Or should I say, tally ho!" Percy would recognize that voice anywhere.

"Hello, Lord Chaos."

It was almost a year since Percy had killed Orion in Athens. Percy had returned to his base in Chrysi, and was using his time to subvert attacks from both Artemis and the local nudist cult. Artemis was quickly losing interest, as she had many other hunts to maintain and because Percy would retreat to the Sea whenever he had any inkling of her presence. However, the nudist cult didn't let any pesky ocean stop them. They were a right pain in the ass.

He was currently in his small lean-to by the sea, a fire burning outside, and a sleeping hippalectryon by his foot.

"I suppose you're wondering why I'm here. I had wanted to continue with my Mission Impossible idea, as I do admire Tom Cruise, but I realized that wasn't realistic in terms of bestowing prizes for the completion of tasks. Therefore, I shall be M, and you shall be 007!"

"But isn't 007 always James Bond?"

"You are correct, James!" said Chaos in an airy British accent. Percy rolled his eyes.

"I refuse to be called James. My mother named me Perseus, and I happen to love my mother very much. Please refer to me as Percy."

"Oh, you're no fun! I guess you can be 006, but don't pull it too far, Jackson!"

"I'll take what I can get."

"You better. Alright, 006. For your compensation, you shall receive a weapon of power!"

"I already have Riptide! It's a perfect weapon!" Chaos laughed in response.

"It's a perfectly good toothpick, that's what it is. You misunderstand me, hero. You shall craft a weapon of power, a weapon worthy of any immortal, be it God, Titan, or Primordial. The weapon you will make will be perfectly suited to you, an honor received only by one other demigod."

"What do mean I'll craft it? And who got the other one?"

"For it to be yours, you have to make it. The gods may have had their weapons made for them, but they're gods. If you haven't noticed, you aren't. The creation is based in a ritual, which should be good for you, as you seem to have a natural affinity. Achilles was the only other demigod worthy of such a gift, which was why I allowed his little dip in the Styx. It's another requirement for the ritual."

Percy looked at his trusty sword. He really loved that blade. Chaos noticed his look.

"Don't worry, Perseus. I have a feeling you won't be using that for much longer. I will be back in ten years time. It will take me awhile to prepare the necessary ingredients. Your next task will revolve around procuring the ingredients I cannot. Use your time to train, you still lack skill with a bow."

And Chaos vanishes, leaving a very frustrated demigod. Percy wasn't always a whiny bastard, but he sure was when Chaos was around. He nudged the sleeping hippalectryon.

"Hippo, we need to move."

 _Yes, boss?_ Hippo asked, wiping the mucus from his eye.

Percy grimaced.

"We have ten years to waste. Let's go to Sparta."


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Please review!**

 **Ch. 3**

"When I said we were going to Sparta, this isn't really what I envisioned." said Percy.

 _I believe I could've figured that out by myself, milord._ Hippo replied.

Perseus, the forgotten first King of Sparta, sat on a chair next to his throne. Hippo the hippalectryon was splayed at the base, lazily eating whatever hippalectryons eat.

"I mean, all I did was kill a few monsters. You'd think they'd have learned how to do that themselves after a couple centuries." Percy continued. "I don't even want to be king!"

 _Try not to talk too loud milord, lest you sound ungrateful._ Hippo said.

"You're right. We shall lead our people into a golden age of peace, putting a stopper in the overturned bottle of darkness, ushering in a new era of love and compassion!"

 _Nah, now you're being too idealistic._

Percy frowned.

"When did you get so cynical?"

 _Around the time we traveled to a desolate strip of land ravaged by both people and monsters, and then deciding to go on a foolish hero's quest to save everything in sight, creating a new city-state in the process._

Percy frowned again.

"It was just Lamia, again! I couldn't stand by while people died, Hippo!"

 _I could…_ Hippo said. _Anyways, you're forgetting one thing._

"And that is?"

 _This is nothing but a violent land. You may have learned a few moves, but they mainly rely on brute force, which isn't quite your style. All this talk of peace is unsettling your subjects. What I'm trying to say is-_

"Yes?"

 _This is…_

"It's what?"

 _This is Sp-_

And with that, several heavily-armed men burst into the throne room.

"Perseus!" yelled the leader. "I am Lycurgus, the new King of Sparta! This is an assassination! We are tired of your tree-hugging ways!"

Percy turned to Hippo.

"They do know I've killed people, right?"

 _They do, I just think that they don't feel you've killed enough._

"Hmm. Are the Spartans really that bloodthirsty?"

"Did you hear me?! We've come to kill you!" the man yelled again. "My children will feast on your innards, and my wife will use your bones for broth!"

Percy was perturbed once more. He looked back at the man.

"That's sick, dude. Me and my friend are trying to have a conversation, here."

"I will use your ground loins in the finest aphrodisiac!"

Percy turned once more to Hippo.

"You know, Hippo, I'm starting to think they're right."

Hippo looked towards Percy.

 _Who's right, and pertaining to what?_

"You said that they don't think I've killed enough people! That was my badass one-liner response!"

Hippo looked annoyed.

 _Then you should have said it in response! Not after the fact!_

The heavily-armed men stood back in confusion, beginning to mutter amongst themselves.

"Hey, are we interrupting something?" one asked from the back. "Because we can go outside, and then come back in in a few minutes."

Their leader looked to him.

"You will do no such thing! We have come here to kill the peace-loving former king, and kill him we will!"

The man who made the offer stepped forward.

"Well, sorry, but I'm always embarrassed to interrupt people when they're having an argument! I can't hear the horse-thingy, but it sure looks like an argument!"

 _Horse-thingy?!_ Hippo suddenly took off towards the man, tackling him to the ground. _I'm a hippalectryon, you ignorant bastard!_

The fight began.

The heavily-armed men (of which seven remained) split up, with some rushing to Hippo, and the others towards Percy. Hippo leapt off the body of his victim, land a surprisingly graceful kick on the first person who reached him. The poor man went flying, hitting the wall with an audible crunch. He didn't get up.

Percy's battle had him on the defensive, parrying the slashes and stabs sent his way. Four men were mobbing him, but his superior reflexes and quick brain were keeping him alive. The men moved to flank him, with two on either side, but Percy parried a stab meant for him into another attacker's gut, then slashed the man across his body. Two down.

Hippo had continued his flurry of kicks, keeping those attacking him immobile, and unable to retaliate.

 _I ain't no fuckin, no fuckin, horsey fuckin thing!_

Hippalectryons were prideful animals, always keeping their feathers preened.

With two more kicks, Hippo downed both men, stomping on them once more to be sure. Percy finished off his fight easily, incapacitating one man, killing another.

The duo turned towards the leader, who had stayed out of the fight. The leader smirked.

"You think these are all the men I would bring to kill a former king?" he asked. The doors burst open once more, men flooding in. "Lycurgus, King of Sparta, is no fool! He I shall lead Sparta into a new age! One of blood! And war! And blood!"

He couldn't say any more, as he was hit by a chair. Percy and Hippo used the distraction to escape, in an unknown fashion.

xxx

Percy and Hippo roamed the land for a further five years. They would train, occasionally hunt monsters, occasionally get hunted by monsters or Artemis, and attempt to exterminate nudist cults everywhere. But, in Ancient Greece, nudist cults are like hydras. You cut off one head, and two more return in its place. Thinking about it, they're also a lot like catholics.

They finally stopped moving when they reached Milos, another charming island in the Southwest of the Cyclades cluster. Here, they settled for the remaining three years, and attempted to rectify Percy's lack of skill with a bow. Needless to say, it didn't work.

Percy built a nice little hut, situated on the shoreside, and started farming obsidian, much like the locals used to do. Milos was a volcanic island, which had originally gained importance by selling obsidian to create stone weapons. This fell out of practice when bronze became the preferred material in smithery, rendering Milos completely useless. It was, however, quaint.

Percy was walking back from the beach when he found a note taped to his door.

006

Just went out to get some groceries. I'll be back in a jiffy. I'll come with your list within the hour. I hope you used these past few years to prepare, 006. Blofeld has acquired the needed ingredients. You must stop him, or else the Cold War will be getting a bit hot!

M

Percy let out a deep sigh, and headed in to sit down, pinching the bridge of his nose. His butt had just touched the sandbag cushion when the door opened.

"Hello, 006!" said Chaos, again using that godsawful British accent.

Percy sighed so deeply, he felt a few ribs crack.

"It's time for your next mission! Did you read my dossier?"

"If you're talking about the note you pinned to my door, yes, I read it." said Percy. Chaos frowned.

"If you read my _dossier_ ," Chaos emphasized. "Then why aren't you packing a bag? Saying good-bye to the family? And _why_ didn't you burn it after reading?"

Percy sighed.

"First of all, I live in a hut. I don't have a bag nice enough to pack. Second, I have no family, if you've forgotten, this whole twelves tasks is some whack job way of you helping me grieve," he said bitterly. "And finally," he smirked. "Double-Os are government sanctioned. You always have to leave a paper trail."

Chaos grumbled. He brightened almost immediately.

"Anyways. Down to business! I have collected some of the necessary ingredients for creating your weapon of power! You shall have to do the rest."

Percy yawned.

"You told me that ten years ago, old man."

Chaos frowned, but continued.

"You have three ingredients to retrieve, in whichever order you choose. You must find the first heliotropes, take a ruby from Persephone's garden, and steal one of the Golden Apples of Immortality."

Percy looked confused.

"Why would any of those things be important in a ritual?"

"Because I said so. And, it's classic symbolism! Why must you be so dense?"

"Classic symbolism, how? And at least I have some emotional depth!"

"I created emotions!"

"And once, you lacked them."

"Eh, back to the topic. The heliotropes represents a sacrifice of love. The first heliotrope sprung from Klytie when she died, wasting her life watching Helios dance across the sky. She loved him, but he abandoned her, so I'm lead to believe. Sacrifice of love, sacrifice of life. The next two are simpler; they represent the eternity of death, and never-ending life. Do try to keep up!"

"Who's Klytie?"

"A nymph."

"And why do all the ingredients have something to do with botany?"

Chaos shrugged.

"I thought you liked plants, treehugger." he said.

"Touché." Percy replied. Chaos sighed.

"Percy, you'll find that life holds power," he elaborated. "And plants are truly the essence of life. If you can harness that power, you can do beautiful things."

Percy considered his words.

"You wouldn't last a day in Sparta."

Chaos then told Percy to search Mt. Kyllini to find Klytie. Percy and Hippo embarked on another adventure, making their way towards the setting sun.

xxx

"Hippo?"

 _Yes, milord?_

"Why do I get the feeling something's not right?"

 _Most likely because we stand before a field comparable to a barren wasteland, almost completely devoid of life._

"Don't forget that it's eerily silent."

 _Naturally, milord._

Percy and Hippo stood above a valley that was comparable to a barren wasteland, almost completely devoid of life. It was also eerily silent. Mt. Kyllini stood in the distance, and would've stood ominously, but it honestly wasn't that tall. Don't get it wrong, it was large, but Percy had seen much taller.

The field in front of them was made of what looked like sand, and had almost no plant life to be seen. Remembering what Chaos had said about plants, Percy inferred that this place reeked of death.

"I think we should go around." said Percy.

Hippo must've felt that way too, as the normally battle-hungry hippalectryon offered no arguments.

Percy and Hippo moved around the field, the surrounding area being forested. Making small talk, the two friends began to walk. They reminisced, both speaking of their fond times in Tartarus, when Hippo spotted something out of the corner of his eye.

 _Boss… was that there scrumptious looking thing there before?_

Where previously there had been a barren wasteland almost completely devoid of life, there was now a barren wasteland almost completely devoid of life, but with two horn-like protrusions sticking out of the sand.

"Did you just say scrumptious?"

 _Those things look delicious, milord._ Hippo was salivating, strings of spit dripping out of his mouth. There was a slightly glazed look in his eye.

The protrusions were ridged, and looked to be bleached and bone-dry.

 _When I was a foal, horn-like protrusions were a delicacy my mother could only afford on the rarest of occasions. I need them, milord._ Hippo said with a still determination. He rushed into the wasteland, throwing caution to the wind. Percy ran after him.

"Hippo! Wait! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

But it was all for naught, as Hippo could not be swayed. As he reached the horn-like protrusions, the ground began to move. The sand shifted, and the horn-like protrusions were discovered to be actual horns. A large snake towered ominously above them, doing what Mt. Kyllini could not.

 _Hmm, that's new._ said Hippo.

In front of them, was a cerastes. A massive viper with horns, its body surrounded them. It hissed, a shuddering sound that grew in volume. It struck towards Hippo, faster than lightning.

Hippo's eyes grew wide as he saw his impending death. The beast's strike was true, and six-inch fangs slid into its victim's chest.

 _Boss, no!_

Percy was thrown from the clearing, as the force behind the strike was massive. Hippo recovered from being pushed out of the way, and did his signature kick, rooster leg slicing across the eye of the cerastes. It ruptured, blood and gunk spurting out.

The cerastes screamed, and reared into a position to strike. Now expecting it, Hippo was able to dodge. The two monsters engaged in a gritty dance, with Hippo maneuvering himself towards the direction Percy's body flew. Hippo was tiring. The cerastes was insurmountable, moving with a lecherous grace. Hippo moved slowly, with a growing clumsiness. Just as he was about to give up hope, he found his chance. A strike overextended the serpent, and its horn was presented to Hippo, who struck it with a hoof.

A crack was heard, followed closely by another scream of pain. A split ran down the snake's horn, with the tip breaking off. Hippo used the distraction to escape, grabbing the broken piece as he ran. He quickly made his way into the forest, hoping he hadn't killed his only friend.

xxx

Percy's day wasn't going very well. Getting bit by a massive snake-monster put a damper on the best of days. Hitting a tree at near-terminal velocity was just the icing on the cake.

He slowly sat up, stars buzzing in and out of his vision. Looking down at his chest, he groaned.

"Really?"

It appeared that the tooth of the snake had broken off, judging by the massive fang in his chest. His focus was broken as Hippo shuffled into his sight, breathing heavily. He spat out a piece of horn at Percy's feet.

 _Hop on, milord, we need to move fas- ew, is that a fang in your chest?_

"What does it fucking look like, Hippo?"

Hippo winced.

 _My most humble apologies, milord._ Hippo smirked. _At least he didn't beat around the bush… he really got his point across!_

Percy laughed, then looked pained, and then coughed up a large amount of blood.

 _Maybe you should avoid too much movement, boss._

"You think?" asked Percy with a grimace.

They suddenly heard a crashing through the trees.

 _Maybe you shouldn't avoid too much movement, milord. Hop on!_

Percy didn't need to be told twice.

xxx

Percy woke up in a small cave. There was a bandage across his chest. He immediately noticed the distinct lack of wolves, much to his relief. However, the cave pulsed with hidden energy, both easing Percy's worries and increasing his anxiety towards the situation. He lay for a few minutes, pondering his predicament. The last thing he remembered was being chased up a mountainside by an incensed cerastes. The fact that his chest didn't have any fangs in it came as a pleasant surprise.

Before he knew it, a woman came in. Saying she looked emaciated was an understatement. The bags under her sunken eyes were a dark shade of green, and she wore an expression of pure sadness. She wore a small dress that still looked at least two sizes too large, and in the rare event it clung to her figure you could count her ribs. The skeletons in the Underworld appeared more lively. Although, she did have a very nice tan.

"Are you the therapist?" she asked.

"What?" Percy asked. She looked annoyed.

"It's not polite to answer a question with a question! Are you the therapist?"

Percy prided himself in his ability to always attempt to make things better.

"I have no formal training, but I might be able to help." he answered honestly. The woman broke into a watery smile, most likely her first of the day.

"Good. The gods have finally answered my prayers! My name is Klytie, and I'm very pleased to meet you!" she exclaimed.

"Very nice to meet you, Klytie. I like your tan."

Klytie's semi-cheery demeanor vanished instantly. She let out a wail of heart wrenching pain. Percy was alarmed. He quickly got up and gave Klytie a hug, letting her sob into his shoulder.

"I'm sorry! What's wrong?" he asked. She brought herself under control, and looked up at him.

"I'm sorry! Tans remind me of Helios! He doesn't love me anymore!" she said, losing control again. Percy was panicked.

"Shh, don't worry Klytie, I'm sure it wasn't your fault!"

Her wailing got even louder.

"That's the thing! It was completely my fault! I killed his girlfriend!"

Percy looked like he wanted to be anywhere else.

"I'm so sorry! Where are my manners? Do you want some tea? Your therapy animal is in the other room, he's a sweetheart! Go on now!"

Percy was ushered into a different part of the cave, where Hippo was lounging. There was a small coffee table, as well as a lone chair, with a long couch situated beside it. A papyrus notepad with a piece of charcoal was on the table. Percy took the chair.

Klytie rushed in, carrying a tray with tea. She set down a cup on the table in front of Percy, and promptly lay down on the couch. It was still for a few moments.

Percy sipped his tea quietly. Klytie raised an eyebrow.

"Well?"

Percy looked on in confusion.

"Aren't you going to ask me some questions?"

Percy's face dawned in realization, as Klytie handed him the notepad.

"Oh… of course. Why don't you start by telling me everything." said Percy.

"Everything?" asked Klytie. "That'll take forever! I'm only paying for a thirty-minute session!"

"Don't worry ma'am, I'm a semi-professional."

Klytie sighed deeply, fanning her face.

"It all started back in my river. My sister and I, Leucothea, were water nymphs. As was customary, we spent our nights dancing above the water, consorting with the other nymphs. When the first rays of sun sparkles over the breaking morning, we were forced to return to our homes deep in the currents. It was like this for many years, until Leucothea and I decided to stay out, and watch the sun." said Klytie.

"Did seeing the sun spark anything in you?" asked Percy.

"Oh yes, it certainly did. When Helios," she sighed. "Came over our river, it was the most breathtaking thing I've ever seen. Have you ever taken the time to watch the sunrise?" asked Klytie.

"Frankly… no." Percy thought wistfully of Annabeth, and birthday kisses. "I've always been partial to sunsets, though."

Klytie nodded in understanding.

"Yes, very beautiful. The first time we saw the sunrise, Leucothea and I were enamored. We made it a point to always stay out past the other nymphs, and watch the sun. Eventually, Helios noticed us, and came down from the sky to investigate. He was divine. The perfect example of a entirely desirable person. Leucothea and I continued to be enamored." continued Klytie.

"And how did this affect your relationship?" asked Percy. "It must've been tough, loving the same man as your sister."

"At first it was fine," Klytie's eyes began to water. "But then, Helios started to like Leucothea more. What was once a happy time, frolicking and watching the sun, turned into a torrid one, where their love was thrust into my face."

"Pause. Didn't you say you killed Helios's girlfriend?" asked Percy. Klytie started wailing, again. "Oh."

"I told father that Leucothea broke the rules! I told Oceanus! I didn't expect him to bury her alive!" Klytie said. "And then Helios would have nothing to do with me!"

Percy's eyes widened. He snapped his fingers and turned to Hippo, who had been listening in.

"Could you do me a favor?"

 _What is it, milord?_

"Well, later, could you tell me how I got here? And now, could you help me with this lady?"

Klytie, overhearing this, began to get excited. She paused her sobs.

"Yes, please let me hold your horsecock!"

xxx

After recovering his composure, and restraining a bristling hippalectryon, Percy got Klytie situated with Hippo. She hugged him hard, and it looked like he was having trouble breathing.

"Okay, Klytie, how have you been handling all of this?" asked Percy.

"Not very well," answered Klytie. "The first few days I just couldn't believe it. It didn't sink in. All I could do was stare at the sun. Actually, now that I think about it, this is the first time I've taken a break from staring at Helios."

Percy grimaced.

"On the fourth day, I started yelling at him, then I tried giving him things to get him to come down. I don't think he accepted any of my offerings, they all fell back down after I threw them." said Klytie.

"Don't worry Klytie, that might be gravity."

"But now," she cried. "Now I'm just so sad!"

"Wait," Percy said. "Did you say days?" Klytie nodded an affirmation. "How long has it been since this happened?"

Klytie started counting her fingers.

"Around nine days!" she said in triumph.

"Figures." Percy muttered.

"What about you, therapist? Forgive me, but what is your name?"

"Percy."

"What about you, Percy? Have you ever lost something close to you? Something you hold so dear to your heart, that you must've felt like you died when you lost it?"

Percy was about to say 'none of your business', when images flashed before his eyes. Things he would never forget, but hadn't yet accepted. A kiss on the beach from Annabeth. When she hit him after seeing him for the first time in months. Another kiss, this time amongst the stables of the Argo II. Then he saw his friends, Thalia, Nico, everyone flitting across his vision before being cruelly snatched away.

"FUCK!" he roared. He leapt up and began beating his fists against the wall. Then he crumpled, sobbing gently.

Klytie had jumped at his outburst, along with Hippo. Seeing his sorry state, she began to cry herself, and held him tenderly. Ever empathetic, Hippo began to cry too, as soon as he could breathe again.

And so they all sat there for a good while, crying. Percy and Klytie were both children of the sea, which was evident in the amount of water they were able to produce. Hippo did his best. And when their eyes began to dry, they might not have been healed, but at least they had accepted what was true.

When they finally got up, there was a noticeable change in Klytie. The bags under her eyes were gone, she was no longer alarmingly skinny, and a smile adorned her face. Basically, she just looked like a regular nymph again. Percy had heard about crying having detoxifying properties, but this was pushing it.

"I must thank you, Percy. It seems you have rejuvenated me." she said. The cave pulsed, basking them in an ethereal glow. "This was the cave where Hermes was born. It seems it still has some godly energy left in it."

"Why, exactly, are you hanging out in the cave Hermes was born in?"

She shrugged.

"The opening has a nice view of the sun."

Percy watched as Klytie made her way deeper into the cave. She turned, beckoning him to come with her. Percy got up, rubbing his red eyes. He followed, with Hippo trotting alongside.

Klytie called out over her shoulder.

"I believe I can find a way to repay your time. But, we must first venture to the heart of the mountain."

For awhile they were engulfed in total darkness. But, there was light at the end of the tunnel. A soft glow permeated a cavern, with a spring in its center. Klytie chipped a piece off of a stalagmite, and stepped into the spring. She cut her palm, letting her blood drop into the water while she sang a soft song.

Percy watched, entranced, as she continued. Her body began to shudder, her eyes began to glow, and wisps of smoke exited her mouth. Hippo looked on in borderline revulsion.

Klytie finished, collapsing into a heap.

Percy broke from his stupor, rushing to her side. He moved her into a sitting position, still in the spring. She coughed, and brought up her cut palm.

Blood oozed out, shaping itself as it came. When it came to a stop, a bundle of flowers was in Klytie's hand. Heliotropes.

Percy and Hippo stayed with Klytie for a week. Percy was still recuperating from the encounter with the cerastes, and Klytie was still recovering from her obsessive viewing of the sun. Her chances of getting skin cancer would always be high, and she might have to live out the rest of her life under an umbrella, but at least she could now focus on redemption instead of Helios. The godly energy did wonders for both of them, and everyone looked to be in prime health after awhile.

The time to leave soon came. Percy stood at the mouth of the cave, readying Hippo for the journey.

"Before you go, take these," said Klytie. "The bag is for the flower."

In her hands were a bag made out of a peculiar substance, a flask of nectar, and a dagger shaped from a familiar tooth. The blade was four inches, and naturally curved. The hilt was wrapped in leather.

"Thanks, Klytie," said Percy. "What's the bag made out of?"

"The stomach of a goat." she shuddered. "The salesman said it came from one of his finest wares."

The two friends hugged, promising to keep in touch. Percy and Hippo made for Milos, to drop off the heliotrope, and the Underworld loomed.

They were going to use the entrance in Lake Lerna, the former (hopefully) lair of the Lernean Hydra.

"So Hippo, how did you get me to the cave?" asked Percy. Hippo acknowledged his rider.

 _Due to the remarkable energizing powers of horn-like protrusions, milord._

xxx

The settlements around Lerna were abandoned. Broken ceramics and dusty countertops were all there was to be seen in most of the houses Percy searched. Until, finally, they came across a large house, that was semi-inhabited.

Pulling back the curtain, Percy entered the living room to an odd sight. A specter sat in his armchair, sipping a coffee, eating breakfast. The coffee looked like it had gone cold several seasons ago, and the souvlaki seemed to have been decaying since then.

Noticing his presence, the ghost quickly sat up with a surprised expression.

"Gah, don't scare me like that!" it said.

"I'm sorry!" Percy said earnestly.

"That you should be, young man. Is it that time already? I suppose it shall be the usual?" it asked.

"What's the usual?" asked Percy.

The ghost frowned.

"It's not polite to answer questions with questions. You are a scruffy one." it said with a huff.

"I'm sorry." said Percy, again.

"No worries. The usual: tickets to the Underworld, straight into Asphodel. No pesky judges to send you to punishment!"

"Yes! The usual!"

"Great! Allow me to introduce myself! I am Lycurgus of Thrace, and I persecuted followers of Dionysus, leading to him cursing me with madness! In this accursed madness, I murdered my son! Then I killed myself!"

Percy was at the end of his wire.

"Right. Do you know, is there anywhere else where I could find 'the usual'?"

Lycurgus looked thoughtful.

"Well, I suppose you could try following the line of ghosts. You wouldn't have to pay, but you're almost certain to get lost."

"What line of ghosts, exactly?"

Lycurgus looked up from his breakfast, giving Percy a once-over.

"Hey, you're not dead!"

"I'm dead on the inside!"

"That doesn't count. Why do you want to get into the Underworld?"

"Why does it matter?"

"You're alive! You don't even have to worry about getting sent to punishment just yet!"

"Life is a never-ending punishment." said Percy.

The ghost smiled.

"I suppose you're right! Here," he tapped Percy's forehead, his finger passing through Percy's skin. "Just follow the ghosts and you'll be fine! Good-bye!"

And Lycurgus of Thrace vanished without a trace.

When he stepped outside, what was once a ghost town, became a ghost town. There were hundreds of spirits, all meandering down a single path. Percy decided to follow the crowd.

"Hippo?"

 _Yes?_

"I think you should go back to Milos. Make sure the heliotrope arrives safely."

 _As you wish, milord._

xxx

The area around Lake Lerna was marshland, which the ghosts had no trouble going through; they simply floated over the top. Percy wasn't having it. Each step was like ten, water seeping into his shoes, and duckweed in his shorts.

He didn't mind the water, but the duckweed has a weird smell to it. In fact, the entire area smelled of heavy foreboding, growing worse as the lake came nearer. The spirits became restless, but shuffled on.

Eventually, the lake could seen. Lerna was situated between mountains and the ocean, and a salty tang joined the heavy air. A gathering of shades could be seen on the shoreside, which all the apparitions seemed to be gravitating towards. A lone figure stood at the water's edge.

"Alright, everyone!" it said. "The next group leaves in seven minutes! Repeat, the next group leaves in seven minutes! If your ticket says 21C to the Fields of Asphodel, you must swim for your deaths in seven minutes!"

A ghost spoke out amongst the throng.

"Tickets? Where are we supposed to get tickets?"

The specter, revealed to be female, rubbed her temples.

"To buy a ticket, you have to go back towards Sesklo. We have booths in every abandoned village."

"How much do the tickets cost?"

The ghost simultaneously rubbed her temples and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Tickets are three drachmas." she said through gritted teeth.

"Three drachmas?! I payed a soldier to kill my wife's father for less than that!"

"Which is precisely why you decided to come through our ferry lines. If you want to be judged, go to Charon and pay less!" said the specter.

The unruly spirit quieted, still furious.

"Alright then. Hello, sinners! Thank you for choosing Niobe Ferrylines! I am your conductor, Niobe! The 21C to the Fields of Asphodel leaves in six minutes! Repeat, if your ticket says 21C, swim for your deaths in six minutes!"

"Three drachmas, by the gods! My uncle's life insurance had less in it! And I should know, I killed him because I was the sole benefactor!" the angry ghost continued.

Niobe whistled, and two uniformed ghosts descended upon the disgruntled spirit. They dragged him to the water's edge, and waited for orders. Niobe gestured towards towards them with a thumbs down. The disgruntled spirit was tossed in.

Sooner than you could blink, dark tendrils shot from the center of the lake, tearing the spirit apart. An unearthly scream rang out, as he faded in wisps. The tendrils grasped the wisps, dragging them into the depths where a crunching sound was heard.

"That's why we travel in groups! Some of you might be able to make it. Now, let's join hands and place curses on our families before the 21C leaves in five minutes! Five minutes!"

xxx

Percy decided to wait until the 23A group would leave. It looked the largest, which gave him a better chance of surviving the task. Niobe watched in glee as tickets 22A-C got torn apart. Percy was in the midst of a moral dilemma; a terrifying animal was devouring souls, in the process forcing them to fade, but it was happening to a group of unscrupulous people. Any inclination of helping the souls vanished when they brought out ghostly popcorn while watching 22C get eaten.

"Now boarding, 23A! Now boarding, 23A! Make way to gate seventeen for departure!"

The crowd split, clearing a path for the passengers of 23A. Percy made his way to gate seventeen, fashioning himself a nice spot in the middle of the group. A whistle blew, and the first few tentatively made their way towards the water.

It was relatively quiet, and soon the entirety of 23A were in the lake. Realizing everyone was still alive, er, dead, they broke forwards, doing the swimming equivalent of a sprint towards the middle. Ribbons of darkness spewed forth, impaling a spirit to Percy's left. More screams came from the back. The group dove, and more were picked off.

By now, half the group was gone, the unknown monster making efficient work with the largest group so far. Percy could've propelled himself forward, but figured he didn't actually know where the entrance was. He might as well follow the people who seemed to know where they were going.

Speaking of, where was everyone? Glancing around, he found that he was alone. The murky water was lit only by the light of the sun, which made for slow going, but he should still be able to feel the disruptions in the water made from the monster. He continued deeper.

Soon, he felt another presence. He turned around, finding the contemplative eyes of a dark man.

"Hello, little hero. I am Ceuthonymous, Guardian of the Gate. Why do you seek to enter the Underworld?" he asked.

Percy's eyes bugged. He couldn't feel the man at all as he spoke, breaking the laws of physics in the displacement of liquids. He prepared to fight, grasping Riptide in his hand.

"I have a holiday house near Elysium. It's my turn in the timeshare." Percy finally replied. Ceuthonymous's eyes sparkled with unshed tears.

"Ah. Carry on. But remember hero, be careful with timeshares- those who draft them have at least three fields reserved in punishment. They're usually a massive waste of money."

Percy's eyes bugged again.

"You aren't going to kill me?"

"Why would I? You already have a fate worse than death. Being locked into a timeshare is a punishment you would not find in Tartarus. I cry for you, young one."

"Hmm, makes sense." Percy didn't really think it made sense. "Those ferrylines sure are something!"

"Even I have to admit, Niobe is a shrewd businesswoman. The entrance is that way." he pointed to his left. "Remember what I said about timeshares- a decent hotel is usually a lot cheaper!"

"Thanks, I will!"

And Percy was on his way.

xxx

A massive crack in the earth, glowing with hellfire and belching brimstone was situated on the lake floor. Percy, deciding he had nothing to lose besides his soul, swam right into it. A vortex of colors ensued, dancing across his vision. It was as if a Wes Anderson movie had taken up abstract art. When he was spit out into the gray fields that made up Asphodel, he vomited.

The Fields of Asphodel spread out for miles, a pallid haze settling over them. The Fields of Punishment were visible, and it wouldn't be the Underworld if the screams of the damned went unheard. Tartarus couldn't be seen, but could definitely be felt. Elysium touched Asphodel, coming between it and the palace. It was the only source of light. The palace was past Elysium, but situated in a way that it had a nice view of Asphodel.

Seeing Elysium, Percy thought of his fallen friends. This made him sad. He wished he could see them. He stood up straighter. They wouldn't want him to be depressed, they would want him to die, and receive eternal punishment for leading them to their deaths! He set out with a renewed vigor, looking forward to the day where Alecto would take her claws across his back, and pour molten iron down his throat when he opened his mouth to scream. Actually, not so much.

"Eh, you really wanna get in there, huh?"

Percy turned, seeing a shade hovering beside him.

"Me too, man, me too! I think we can help each other, ya dig?" the shade asked.

"I'm sorry, who are you?" Percy asked. "I'm going through a little sludgy spell, and I'm having trouble with names."

The shade frowned.

"Ya know, ya really shouldn't answer questions with questions. The name's Lycurgus, former King of Arcadia." said Lycurgus.

Percy groaned.

"Really? I've met two other dudes named Lycurgus, and I've thoroughly disliked both of them."

"Eh, I'm the superior Lycurgus. Third time's the charm, ya dig?"

Lycurgus had covered himself in gray dirt, to better blend in to the surroundings of Asphodel. While the other shades flitted around, Lycurgus held himself with a poise and grace that belied a former douchebag.

"Tell me, Lycurgus. What are your views on global warming?"

"Global what?"

Percy frowned.

"Yeah, I don't think this is going to work. And, it's not polite to answer a question with a question." Percy turned on his tail, beginning to walk away. Lycurgus looked on with panic.

"Please, man! I need help! _He's_ coming!"

That didn't sound good. Percy turned around again.

"Who's coming?" asked Percy.

" _He_ is." Lycurgus shuddered. " _Eurynomos._ "

"Euryale?"

"Eurynomos!"

"Hmm. Never heard of him." Percy made to move again.

"Ceuthonymous is just the first guardian! The second is even more difficult to defeat!"

Percy turned back to him, again.

"Speaking of, How'd you get past Ceuthonymous?"

Lycurgus looked at him in surprise.

"I said I had a timeshare, of course."

Percy whistled.

"That's a low blow, man."

Lycurgus looked guilty.

"It matters not. The flesh-eater comes, we must make haste!" yelled Lycurgus with increasing intensity.

Percy looked thoughtful.

"Why are you afraid of the flesh-eater? You don't really have any, you know, flesh."

"My dear boy, you must know by now that things are never as they seem. And, you do have flesh."

"Good point. If you take me to Persephone's garden, I will do my best to defeat Eurynomos. Deal?"

"How about you get me into Elysium?"

"Nah."

"Fine, deal."

"Okay. Lead on."

As they left the Fields of Asphodel, a chittering laughter echoed in the distance.

xxx

It took hours to get through Asphodel. The walk through the Underworld would've been pleasant, if not for the fact that the screams of the damned rang for miles around. And that you could feel the waves of sadness echo from Asphodel. And the hope of Elysium shining to all the unluckier souls, making everything seem _more_.

And that's without talking about Tartarus.

The palace held its own form of beauty, as well as maleficence. Percy had to give it to him, Hades really knew how to make an imposing figure. This Lycurgus seemed like an okay guy, but Percy still hadn't asked him why he felt the need to avoid judging.

"Hey, Lycurgus, why did you avoid judging?"

Lycurgus would've froze, but given their situation he kept walking stiffly.

"I kinda bludgeoned this guy, but only a little bit, ya dig?"

If it were ten hours ago, Percy wouldn't have dug. But, he now was pretty much desensitized to the stories of violent ghosts.

"Yeah, I dig. I mean, I probably wouldn't do it myself, but I guess it's sort of a situational thing."

"Exactly!" Lycurgus smiled. "It was a great situation."

Now, Percy didn't dig.

They were now passing out of Asphodel, the nameless shades becoming a rare occurrence. Elysium blocked their path. It didn't look like there was a way around it. A massive wall stood between them, and it however. Lycurgus smiled.

"Oh, drat! It looks like we have to go through Elysium, since there's no way around it!"

Percy looked on.

"Okay, here's the plan. You stay here, and I investigate further. When I see how to get through, I'll come back for you. Alright?"

Lycurgus looked at him.

"What, you think I'm a fucking idiot? No, we have to stick together, otherwise Eurynomos will catch us! Use your brain, child!"

Percy was taken aback. It seemed Lycurgus was a fucking idiot.

"Yeah, you're right. Here's a new plan. I'll climb the wall, seeing as I'm more fit than you, than I'll send down a rope made out of all of our clothes tied together, and I'll pull you up."

Lycurgus looked thoughtful.

"Good plan. Here," Lycurgus began undressing. "You'll need these."

Percy took the dirty clothes, and did his best not to look at the naked Arcadian. He began tying the clothes together.

"Let me help!"

Lycurgus got a little too close for comfort while making the rope, probably somewhere within a fifteen foot radius.

The rocks on the wall were uneven, and Percy had experience in rock climbing. This didn't look any harder than the rock wall back at camp. Then, Percy touched the wall.

"Fuck!" said Percy.

His right hand had a massive gash on it, cutting almost to the bone. Lycurgus smirked.

"Did I forget to mention the wall is cursed?"

"Yes," Percy gritted his teeth. "You did."

Percy approached the wall again, sizing it up. It was a spotty pallid grey color, most likely made up of granite. The only real change was the strike of red from Percy's slashed hand. Percy mapped out the handholds in his head, and set out again. His hoarse screams rivaled those in Punishment, but he was making it up. As he put his hand over the top to pull himself up, he felt a pain that made everything else pale in comparison. In the same cut on his right hand, there was a piece of broken glass. Lycurgus smirked.

"Did I forget to tell you about the bits of broken glass on top of the wall?" ha asked.

"βάλλ' εἰς κόρακας!" said Percy.

He somehow pulled himself up, and fell to rest on the shards of broken glass, not really caring as they sliced him up. As he recovered, he found his nectar flask. Foregoing his mouth, he poured it over his hands. The cuts didn't heal. Percy groaned.

"Hey man, could we get moving here?" asked Lycurgus. Percy threw down the rope in response. Lycurgus frowned. "Hey, I can't reach that!"

Percy smirked.

"Did I forget to tell you the rope wasn't long enough?"

Lycurgus's eyes widened in realization. A chittering laughter broke out, drawing near. Thinking quickly, he looked up the wall, mapping out the splashes of red. He tried to skitter up the same way Percy did, but quickly fell, yelling in pain. The same hyena-like laugh came, closer. Lycurgus turned to face it, scooting back towards the wall.

Following the same path they took from Asphodel, was a creature that could most kindly be compared to a werewolf mid-transformation. Its elongated head was still very human, with thin, stretched arms that had black claws on the end of them. Its skin was a disturbing color between blue and black, and draped across its back was the skin of a vulture. The hind legs were like a dog's bent opposite that of humans. A black tongue fell from its mouth, which stood in stark contrast to its sharp yellow teeth.

"Eurynomos." said Lycurgus.

He didn't wince as his back touched the wall, slicing it up. He just looked on. Eurynomos approached slowly, chuckling. His hind legs tensed, and he sprung towards Lycurgus. Lycurgus rolled out of the way, and Eurynomos hit the wall, hissing in pain. Lycurgus used the distraction effectively, following Percy's blood trail up the wall. He almost made it, and when he put his hand over the top he screamed, letting go. A piece of broken glass had stopped him.

Percy left quickly, feeling sick, and preferring not to watch someone get torn apart.

He moved through Elysium, garnering looks from the crowd. After all, what was the bloodied and battered, very much alive dude doing in paradise? Percy was thankful nobody wanted to find out, and he successfully avoided harassment. It was telling that it took less than an hour to pass the whole of Elysium, and around half a day to get through a small part of Asphodel.

This time, there was a ladder to a viewing deck that helped him get over the wall.

xxx

The House of Hades glittered in the light thrown off Elysium. Its obsidian walls and bronze highlights caused the shadows to hang suspended, shifting ominously. Black marble made up the portico, lined with all sorts of gems. The palace was made of wealth, and stood like a castle on the loch, everything subservient to it.

Thankfully, Percy didn't have to go in.

Persephone's garden was in front of the palace, and though it shone with gems and precious metal, it didn't have nearly as much dark presence. In fact, it wouldn't look out of place on Mount Olympus.

The paths were made of ruby and topaz, curving elegantly to and fro, and silver pots held a wide variety of flowers. Orchids bloomed, and there was a forest of petrified wood. Piles of gems would leak onto the path, and a brook bubbled through it all. In the middle, there was a fountain with a statue of Eros, and rose bushes lined it.

Percy walked in, picked up a ruby, and stepped out again, pausing only when a shrill whistle went off. Apparently, that was the alarm. The Erinyes burst out of the palace, followed by several hell hounds.

"Well, fuck." said Percy.

He took off, sprinting towards the judgement pavilion, to Charon's ferry. The Furies were flying, quickly making up the distance. From Asphodel came a hyena's laugh, and Eurynomos entered the fray. The hellhounds retreated at the sight, which gave some relief. It was like the final lap of a long race, everyone going all out. Percy was in the lead, but it looked like the furies were going to overtake him. Eurynomos was the streaker, making his way to the finish line from the crowd.

Charon had just deposited a fresh batch of souls, and was oblivious to the danger coming his way. He whistled a merry tune, close to the melody of "Hooked on a Feeling". Cerberus lounged, rolling over to get his belly pet. Charon looked left and right, checking if anyone was looking at him. He didn't look behind, and made his way to Cerberus.

"You're a good boy, aren't you?" he said, scratching the dog's belly.

Percy dove into his ferry, pushing off from the bank. Alecto's claws slashed at his back, just missing him. She quickly stopped, landing on the riverbank. Charon quickly turned, sputtering in shock.

"Hey!"

"Sorry, but I kinda need to borrow this!"

The furies landed beside Charon, not willing to risk flying over the Styx. Eurynomos, however, jumped, landing on ferry. Percy looked at him in shock. He balanced, chittered, and licked his lips.

"Damn." said Percy.

Eurynomos's animalistic eyes met Percy's. Then, he tackled him, both falling over the edge and into the Styx.

Megaera turned to Charon.

"I guess that's that. I never did like that fucking thing anyway."

Charon's mouth still hung open.

"How am I going to get my boat back? My wife hates it when I'm home late!"

Alecto shrugged.

"I'm sure you'll figure out something."

The Furies and Charon continued to play with Cerberus.

xxx

The Styx felt the same as it did before. A bath in boiling hydrochloric acid would feel better. Given that Percy hadn't prepared himself at all, the modicum of his brain that could think was surprised he hadn't disintegrated yet, even if he felt like he was. Faces flashed in his mind, and he must've settled on one, because he felt a tug from a spot inside his ear, and he was pulled out onto a river bank.

Looking around, he seemed to be in a forest. The stream he'd just been pulled out of had a gentle flow to it, and interestingly enough he was soaking wet. His vision was hazy, and he could barely make out the figure above him before she slapped him.

"Fool," she said. "Gods, what fools these mortals can be!"

"Hey, man! Not cool!" Percy rubbed his cheek.

"Speak less than thou knowest!" she replied.

Percy caught a glimpse of long, dark hair, as well as copper colored skin before his vision went black. The last thing he noticed, was the scent of coffee, before he was thrown out of the Styx. The black sand had never felt so comfortable. He lay there, groaning, until he heard that godsdamned chittering laugh.

Eurynomos limped out of the Styx, not looking too good. He collapsed beside Percy, groaning. They watched as Charon and the Furies played fetch with Cerberus, Percy too afraid to move, and Eurynomos just too out of it. As the seconds passed by, Eurynomos's eyes began to droop lower and lower, and soon he rested his head on Percy's lap going to sleep.

Percy gently cradled him, picking him up carefully, and tossed him back into the Styx. Judging by his reaction as he disintegrated, double-dipping is not recommended when dealing with the Styx. Finishing up, he made his way out of the Underworld, taking the stairs.

xxx

Returning to Milos, Percy was pleasantly surprised to discover Hippo had made use of his time alone. The hippalectryon proudly showed off the golden apple he had prised from the grip of Hercules.

"I'm not sure I heard that right. You did what?"

 _Milord, I've never come upon such a sight. There was the strongman, besting the dragon. I watched, with a hidden glee, as Ladon was beat to bloody pulp. It had me salivating, the ease in which it happened. By the gods-_

"Hippo, has anyone ever told you that you're slightly sadistic?"

 _Yes. By the gods, it was glorious! He used a large stick, wielding it with skill! In his other hand, a bronze sword that looked much like yours. He cut off every head except for one, and that was when Ladon knew the fight was lost. He retreated, and the man strode up to the tree, plucking an apple from the lowest branch._

"Okay, not really what I was asking. What did you say happened after that?"

 _He betrayed the fair maiden, and I mugged him._

"Yeah! That part! Could you explain that part in a little more detail?"

 _If you insist. After he defeated Ladon, he moved back into the garden, where the lady waited. She looked to be about your age, maybe a year younger or so, and had hair of the blackest night, eyes of obsidian, and skin of caramel._

Percy's eyes widened at the confirmation of his suspicions. Hippo had seen Zoë.

 _He blew her off, and walked away. I knew I had to do something, so I hustled up behind him, and kicked him in the back of the head._

"Nice!" said Percy. Hippo looked proud, and preened himself. "Did you help the girl?"

 _Unfortunately, she was gone by the time I made my way back. It didn't take just one kick you know- the bastard was stubborn, just wouldn't faint. In the end, I used one of my rooster toes to show him I really meant-_

"I'm sure you got the job done just fine. Now all we have to do is wait for Chaos."

"Hey! I wanted to hear the rest of the story!" said Chaos.

"Well, I didn't. We got the ingredients, now what do we have to do?" asked Percy.

"Follow me. Bring your bow and hunting knives."

Percy grabbed his stuff, and met Chaos by the front door. Hippo called out from the bedroom.

 _Boss, you mind if I sit this one out?_

"You sure? I thought you loved rituals!"

 _This one's giving me a weird vibe. And plus, I'm tired. Mugging Hercules really takes a lot out of you._

Percy nodded.

"Understandable."

Chaos snapped his fingers, and the hut vanished from sight. When everything cleared, the were on the peak of a mountain, wind buffeting them. There was a ritual circle painted in a suspect material, as well as a bag that was moving.

"Uh, Chaos?"

"Yes?" Chaos glanced at him.

"What's in the bag?"

"The bag? Oh, nothing."

"Why is it moving?"

"Just a small component for the ritual. Nothing to worry about."

"Why is it pleading to be let go?"

"Well, I imagine because it wants to be let go."

"Chaos?"

"Yes?"

"What's in the bag?"

Chaos pouted.

"The ritual requires a virgin sacrifice. That's the virgin."

Percy groaned.

"Who is that, Chaos?"

"It's Henry Cavill, 006."

"Why are we using Henry Cavill as the virgin in a ritual sacrifice?"

"He's looking to take over the James Bond role after Daniel Craig. It's better to be safe rather than sorry, and I cannot even accept the slightest chance such a travesty shall occur."

"Are you sure he's a virgin?"

"Of course. He's played Superman. You try finding an unsexier role."

Percy couldn't fault Chaos's logic.

"Okay, the moon's almost at its highest. Bring me the ingredients." said Chaos.

Percy gave him the heliotropes, the ruby, and the apple. Chaos cut up half of the apple, putting it into a mortar and pestle. He kissed the ruby, which exploded into dust. The dust he gathered, and ground half of it up with the apple. Procuring a blender, he poured the mixture into it along with half of the heliotropes. The remaining materials, he set aside.

"Percy, I need some of your blood."

Percy looked guilty.

"About that…"

Chaos looked at him.

"What did you do?"

"I kinda fell into the Styx. Just a small dip, ya dig?"

Chaos sighed.

"How'd you survive? You don't have anybody to be your mortal anchor."

Percy winced.

"I haven't really had time to think about it."

"Well, I guess it doesn't matter. Where's your spot?"

Percy answered without thinking.

"I think it's in my ear. Let me tell you, that was a weird feeling."

Chaos stabbed Percy in both ears, drawing blood in his left. Percy fell, gasping in pain as he could feel his soul leaving him. Chaos dropped the blood into the blender, and pressed the button. A metallic whirring overtook Percy's gasps.

"Eh, buck up. You'll be a god in like two minutes."

When the blender stopped, Chaos poured the solution into a glass, handing it to Percy, who almost dropped it. Chaos frowned.

"Be careful with that! I only have enough for one more cup!"

Percy was somehow able to drink it. He immediately felt an even more intense pain, and a glow surrounded him.

"Ow, fuck! What do I do now?"

"Bring your weapons to me."

Percy staggered over with his weapons, which Chaos placed in the summoning circle. He unbagged Henry Cavill, and placed him in the center.

"Please! I have a family!" he said.

"Don't lie! You broke up, like, five years ago! I checked your Wikipedia page!" Chaos replied.

Chaos chanted, and Henry Cavill began to disintegrate. Percy's weapons vibrated with power, melding into a lump of metal that seemed to shift forms. Chaos's eyes lit up.

"Aha! Now, for the final ingredient!"

He pulled out a piece of yarn. Though spots danced across his vision, Percy narrowed his eyes, focusing. The string was a sea-green color, that shone brightly in the moonlight. Looking closer, he noticed it wasn't made of any material known to man.

"It is your string of fate." said Chaos. Thunder crackled in the distance, the shadows seemed to lengthen, the earth began to shake, and a cold rain began to fall. "You shall hold your own fate in your hands!"

Chaos touched Percy's string to the mass of metal. Slowly, it began to take shape. Percy felt his body grow hot, and he collapsed. In the middle of the circle was a sword in the xiphos style, although much longer than the traditional blade. It was leaf-shaped, and around three-feet long, sharp as a razor. It was celestial bronze, with a light coating of silver on the blade's edge. The hilt was wrapped in leather. It had a deadly grace to it, and hummed in, you guessed it, power.

Chaos brought it to Percy, who was still lying on the ground. When he touched it, he felt a rush of senses, and everything was brought into perspective. He stood up, and Chaos sniffed at him.

"How curious. I don't know what you are. I can smell mortal, God, Titan, even a hint of Protogenoi."

"I'm guessing that's not how it was supposed to work?"

"Correct. I do believe you can still die, it just might be very hard to kill you. I'm talking like, you'd have to be beheaded or something."

"Okay…"

"Name your sword. Since we used the bow and the knives, it can turn into those too. Your next task is in the year 2008. See you in a few thousand years! Oh, and I suggest you take up a hobby, to help you cope with the deaths of your loved ones! It's been over a decade, Percy, you need to accept it! I suggest poetry!"

And then Chaos was gone, leaving Percy in a stunned silence. He looked around, at the decimated mountaintop.

"He couldn't even give me a ride home?"

xxx

Roses are red

I'm very blue

How can I live?

I just miss you

-Percy Jackson, circa 800 BC


	4. Chapter 4

**Ch. 4**

"Hello, Perseus!"

An exuberant Chaos brushed the cobwebs out of his hair as he made his way into the crypt, interrupting Percy's writing time.

"What exactly are you doing in the Roman catacombs?" he asked.

Percy grimaced.

"What aren't we doing here? We got locked in a few centuries back. Kept looking, but we couldn't find a way out. We live here now. Not fun."

Chaos looked sad.

"What about the place on Milos?"

"I hid it with the mist, so it should still be there."

"That's great! My, my, do I have a task for you! I was thinking," Percy groaned. Chaos thinking couldn't mean anything good. "You now have a weapon of power, but nothing is more important than a good friend to watch your back!"

"Chaos, it's been nearly three-thousand years, and the second thing you tell me is I need a good friend? Not to mention, the last time we saw each other, you stabbed me in my mortal spot, the one spot anchoring me to the world?"

"Yes!" said Chaos.

"Okay, as long as that settles it. I have Hippo. He's a great friend." said Percy.

"Certainly. How's the poetry coming?"

Percy grimaced, as Hippo smashed his coffin door open, eyes lit in excitement.

"It's certainly helping me cope, but Hippo enjoys it a little too much."

"Great! Can I hear one?"

Percy groaned, as Hippo cleared his throat.

 _Roses are red,_

 _I like cornettos_

 _You know Percy Jackson_

 _Was born in the ghetto_

Chaos's eyes shone in admiration.

"You don't even know what a cornetto is!" said Percy.

"Very good! As I was saying, I cannot deny Hippo is a great friend, but I was thinking someone a little more, well, human." said Chaos.

"I have a distinct lack of human friends. Being immortal is lonely."

"Which is why I have brought you these!"

Chaos held up his hand, holding three strings that looked similar to the string of fate Percy had melded with his sword.

"They are, indeed, strings of fate, all belonging to one of your friends who is dissatisfied with death!"

"What do you mean by 'dissatisfied with death'?"

"I mean, they'd rather be alive."

"Wouldn't everybody?"

"You'd be surprised by how many people enjoy death. Elysium is a very nice place."

"I know. I've been there."

The first string was a hue of gold, which shimmered even in the below standard lighting of Percy and Hippo's shack. It felt hot, even from the distance Percy was at. The second string was a soft brown, and emanated a peaceful sensation. It smelt of bark, and juniper berries. The third was black as night, and had a cold, aristocratic vibe to it. A sharp hint of eucalyptus came off it.

"You get to choose one, and I will burn the other two, forcing their souls to fade!" Chaos cackled.

"What?!" Percy looked up, alarmed.

"Answer carefully, Mr. Jackson. Your wife's life depends on it."

"Chaos, you can't be serious!"

Chaos tutted.

"Wrong answer, Mr. Jackson. Your wife is gone."

"I don't even have a wife!"

"And I don't even have the power to burn strings of fate. Chill out, buddy."

Percy felt himself ease.

"Still, you do have to pick one. I know it's kinda cruel, but not even I am beyond the power of fate." Chaos continued.

Percy sighed.

"Mix them up. I'll close my eyes, and pick one randomly."

Percy closed his eyes, and felt a tug on his gut. The tug drew him to Chaos's left hand, which held the black string. The instant it touched Percy's hand, a warm feeling erupted in his body, making him feel, _complete_.

"Interesting." Chaos looked at him with an appraising eye. "Very interesting."

Percy didn't like the sound of that.

"Carry the string. When you find your friend, join it to their weapon. It won't be as powerful as yours, but it will be a very close second."

"Where do I find them?"

"Do you enjoy grave-robbing? Search Kerameikos. After you find the soul, you'll have to take it back to the place it died. Only then will it be able to regain a body." Chaos smiled. "One last piece of advice. When in Rome…"

And then he was gone.

xxx

Getting out of the catacombs took time. The networks were extensive, and had been built up for centuries.. Not only were the catacombs vast, but they held all sorts of relics and trinkets from all eras, as well as half of Rome's rodent population. After seeing rats scurry across almost everything, Percy felt no need to investigate any further.

"Do you remember anything about the way out?" he asked Hippo.

 _No, milord. We came in several centuries ago, and it seems as if things might've changed in our absence._

With every turn they took, they grew progressively more lost. It was an endless maze of stolen goods, shriveled bodies, and filthy rodents.. Percy's back was aching from staying in one place for several centuries, and he didn't want to exacerbate the injury through using earthquakes or water just yet. They fell down beside a statue of a three-bodied women. It had been more than two hours since they started their wandering. Percy honestly would've taken the Labyrinth over this.

 _Boss, it's gonna be our anniversary soon, and I'll be damned if we spend it underground!_

"Hippo, I'm moderately sure we're already damned. I certainly feel it."

 _I can't say that I'm feeling too great, either._

Percy looked closer at the statue. It was definitely Greek in origin, and on the middle body it had a blue eye painted on its forehead. It was made of marble, and gazed vacantly, eyes situated directly ahead.

"You wouldn't know the way out, would you?" asked Percy.

The statue nodded, the three heads moving in sync.

"Great," said Percy. "My friend and I are totally lost. Would you mind pointing out which direction we should go?"

The statue shrugged, and shook its heads. It cracked as marble scraped together, lifting its arms, and pointing back the direction from which Hippo and Percy came.

"Thanks! Have a nice day! C'mon Hippo, let's get out of here."

Hippo, who had been watching Percy converse with the statue, was shook out of his stupor.

 _Boss, I think I might've had a little something. Did that statue just move?_

" It was probably the communion wine we had with breakfast. I thought it tasted a little funny."

 _We did find it on a dead guy. Personally, I think it was the wafers. Who knows? The church might not take as hard a stance on drugs as we're lead to believe._

"You know what, Hippo? I think you're fine."

xxx

Rome wasn't as Percy remembered it. The last time he'd been on the surface was hundreds of years before, but the when he'd been there in the modern era was also very different to this. It was a lively mix of people, and had its own unique feel that made it very special. He had been lead to believe that Rome would be crawling with monsters, as it was a part of the "Old World" of western civilizations. But, it seemed as if Hippo was the only member of that class currently in attendance.

They had come out of the catacombs near the Piazza Navona, a square courtyard that was a beautiful example of Rome's baroque architecture. It was filled with people, mostly tourists, who milled around in their groups like flies attracted to honey. It was winter, and a coating of wet snow made the already cold day very unpleasant. Percy and Hippo drew many stares, and Percy didn't really know if that was because they looked like they had been rummaging in the sewers for a multitude of years, or because the mist made Hippo appear to be some odd animal. As both gathered eyes and points, it became clear it was a mixture of both.

"Hippo, we should probably get moving."

 _But don't you want to go see the Pantheon?_

"I'd love to, but those are cops. Don't you remember what happened the last time we got arrested?"

Hippo smiled.

"Shit, man! Move!"

The policeman caught Percy's eye, and his face showed his distaste. His gaze moved towards Hippo, and it grew into a look of shock, then anger. He shoved his partner, gesturing animatedly in Percy and Hippo's direction.

 _Hey, don't you remember what happened the last time we fled arrest?_

Percy smiled.

They left, using the crowd to their advantage. They went into the Piazza Navona, running across the courtyard. They stopped briefly to admire the fountains, and watch street performers. They blended in perfectly with the musicians, who also looked like they had been rummaging in the sewers for a multitude of years. The police burst into the square, their eyes roaming for Percy and Hippo.

The police moved around, checking every foxhole and hiding place. They stopped for a second to admire the fountains, and listen to the street performers. One of them saw Percy and Hippo, who were trying to camouflage themselves amongst a group of accordionists.

"Laggiù!" he yelled.

There were two officers trailing them, one of which was big and burly, and had a large mustache like the tail of a squirrel situated on his lip. He was dressed in the regular uniform of the Italian police, a blue button down shirt with blue-grey trousers. The other wore a light brown trench coat and a fedora, as well as the uniform. He was tall and skinny, and had a gaunt, sunken face with a sharp nose.

They both pulled out guns.

"Maybe you're right, Hippo. We should go see the Pantheon." said Percy.

Two shots were fired in quick succession. Percy and Hippo ducked low, running in a zig-zag pattern into the scattering crowd. They went to the one of the fountains, the Fontana dei Quattro Fiumi. The police had lost them amongst the chaos, and Percy overloaded the pipes, causing them to burst. Water flooded out, quickly gathering into large puddles. He did the same with the other two fountains, the Fontana del Moro, and the Fontana del Nettuno.

 _Hey! I liked those fountains!_

Percy winced. He didn't find pleasure from destroying priceless artifacts, but he did what had to be done.

"I'm sorry, Hippo, but I need the water."

 _Are you stupid? They're literally spewing water!_

"I needed more water!"

 _For what?!_

"I'm going to turn the Piazza Navona into the Ghiaccio Navona." said Percy.

He focused, imagining the water turning to ice. The already chilly temperature dropped several degrees, and a cold wind blew through the courtyard. A frost seeped into the air, and ice crystals began to form on the water, spreading quickly. Soon, it looked as if an ice rink had been made out of a World Heritage Site.

 _That's it? You destroyed those exquisite pieces of art to make a skate rink?_

"Hey, man! I can manipulate it! Those dudes can't!"

Percy nodded towards the two policeman, who were trying not to fall.

 _Fuck you, those fountains deserved better!_

"Why are you getting so angry over some fountains?"

 _I've admired fountains ever since I heard the story of the great Lord Poseidon creating one for Athens! Those were three awesome specimens!_

"Really? The fountain he made was useless! That's why Athens is named Athens! Athena got one over him!"

 _I guess that fountain was just like you, then. Useless._

"Fine. Now, c'mon."

The police had semi-recovered, and were channeling their inner figure skaters to glide across the ice. Percy and Hippo exited the Ghiaccio Navona, making for the Pantheon. They got there in under five minutes, only crossing one busy street to make their escape.

"Why are we even running? We didn't do anything wrong!" said Percy.

 _Do you call fleeing and resisting arrest right? Not to add on the destruction of culture?_

"They can't prove that was me. But, before that."

 _Right now, I resemble a cassowary._

"A cassowary?"

 _A large flightless bird, native to Papua New Guinea and Northeastern Australia. Not only are they known to be aggressive, but I would be considered part of the exotic pet trade._

"Hmm. That description matches you perfectly. How do you know what you look like?"

 _It's a monster thing. We know what the mist hides us as._

"I could change it, if you'd like."

 _Nah. I like being Australian._

"Really? Nobody likes Australians. And none of this excuses the fact that they shot at us!"

 _Are you saying you wouldn't shoot an Australian?_

"It really depends. Now, we've got some digging to do. Let's go."

 _Are we really going to go back to the place we literally just ran away from?_

"Nope. The cops are parked right across the street. I'll hail a cab."

 _How do you know that that's even their car?_

"They're getting into it, dipshit."

Percy and Hippo crossed the street again, their trip to the Pantheon meaningless. They made sure to stay out of the police's line of sight, and got into a taxi. The driver was a man who looked to be in his twenties, who had frizzy hair, and was smoking a cigarette. He eyed Hippo, but didn't say anything.

"American?" he asked.

"Yeah." Percy replied.

"Where to?"

"See that car over there? I want you to follow it."

The man glanced towards the police car. He chuckled.

"Are you sure? That's a mob car. And, it's not on patrol. The only thing we'd be following for the next half hour is the radio." he said. "I'd have to charge you extra, too. Following mob cars is risky business."

"Regardless, we need to follow that car. They've personally offended my friend and I." said Percy.

Hippo nodded in agreement.

"Besides, how do you even know it's a mob car?"

He tapped a finger to his temple, then looked as if he was constipated. Apparently that was his thinking face.

"Eh, fuck it. Want a smoke?"

xxx

They passed the time with the windows rolled down, listening to an Italian bebop station, and smoking. Hippo was on the fast track to becoming addicted to nicotine, with Percy not far behind. The driver was a very interesting guy, and was an aspiring Europop artist.

"It's really more Eurodisco," he said. "But there's definitely some elements of Euro House. You should really check us out."

"What's your band called?" asked Percy.

"In Italian, 'Il Buttafuocos'. In English, 'The Flamethrowers'. I really think we've got what it takes to make it."

Percy raised a single eyebrow, and took a long drag from his cigarette.

"They're moving." he said.

The mob-cop car had indeed shifted into gear, and was beginning to merge with traffic. Regulus pulled out, and began to follow. They traveled a few minutes, and soon were in a residential neighborhood. The driver had put on his Europop band, and they were all singing along. The music was awful, but usually only had two words repeated in various ways through weird autotunes, so Percy and Hippo had no trouble nailing the verses. After awhile, they were the only two cars on the road.

"Won't they notice they're being followed?" asked Percy.

"Nah, these guys are amateurs." he replied. "They let an American with an ostrich elude them in one of the most open spaces in Rome. Totally unprofessional."

 _Hey!_

"At least it wasn't an Australian with an ostrich."

The driver shuddered.

 _I resent that._

The car stopped at what looked like a shitty Italian restaurant, which was kind of odd. They were in Italy, but anyone could tell by the look of the place that the food would be awful. The parking lot was filled with broken glass, and the building looked to be a remnant of the west's infatuation with brutalism. The paint was run with cracks, and was chipping badly. A neon sign named the joint 'Gianluca's'. All in all, Stevie Wonder could've designed a better exterior. The two mob-cops went inside.

"Okay, here's the plan. Let's head inside." said the driver.

"What?" asked Percy.

"You heard me. Let's go in there."

"We just asked you to follow them, not get involved. I'm sorry, but you're in a Europop band. We can't risk your life, you're meant for better things."

"Percy, what if these are those better things? And, I need some inspiration. We've booked the studio, but we don't have any songs written."

"Then what were we just listening to?"

"That? That was ABBA."

They went into the restaurant. The interior was no better than the exterior. An archaic bar stood with last century's imports on tap, the tablecloths were checkered white and yellow, and it smelled like the bolognese came with a side of rat urine. A large man sat at one of the tables near the back, with the two mob-cops across from him.

"Daddy! I'm home!" said the driver.

Percy groaned.

"I totally saw that coming." he said.

The large man stood up, and the mob-cops vacated their chairs to stand menacingly behind him. He pointed to Percy and Hippo, and then to the two seats in front of him.

"Come. I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but I've been expecting you." he said.

Percy and Hippo sat, deciding that if it was their fate to die, they'd die comfortable.

"However ugly this place is, I do have to commend the choice in chairs. These things are great!" said Percy.

The large man looked touched.

"Thank you. I chose them myself. Please, allow me to introduce myself. I am Gianluca Ficarotta, head of the Ficarotta crime family. But, you can call me Daddy if you'd like." said Daddy.

Daddy was, as stated, a large man. He wore a pinstriped suit, with the jacket strewn over the back of his chair, and the vest unbuttoned. He had a large mustache, and cruel features.

"Interesting," said Percy. "I'm sorry to bother you. You see, my friend and I were just taking a little time to see the sights before we headed onto better things. It was a pleasure to meet you, Daddy, but we really should be going."

Hippo nodded in agreement, but Daddy pretended not to hear.

"As I was saying, I've been expecting you. Rather, I've been expecting you for the last twenty minutes or so. See, I need your help." Daddy continued. He looked at Hippo. "Is that a cassowary?"

"Yeah, his name's Hippo."

"God fucking dammit!" He turned to the two mob-cops. "I said look for the man with the tropical bird! Not a fucking cassowary! Like, a fucking toucan or something!"

The gaunt mob-cop answered.

"Cassowaries are tropical birds! Everyone knows they're native to the Australian Northeast, which has a tropically influenced climate!"

"Don't talk to your Daddy like that! And you're precisely right! Tropically influenced, not tropical!"

"Daddy, I think we can both agree that cassowaries are exotic. Now tell me, when you think of tropical birds, and exotic birds, are there any real differences?"

"Yeah! Tropical birds live in the fucking tropics! News flash: there ain't no tropics in the outback!"

"Jesus, man! What did I just say? Cassowaries live in the northeastern, tropical forests in Australia!"

"No, you said tropically influenced. And look, he's definitely a southern cassowary, an extant subspecies. You're a real fucking idiot, aren't you?"

"Forgive me if I'm not familiar with the nuances of cassowary subspecies."

The haggard mob-cop left the room, soon followed by the fat one. Daddy turned back to Percy and Hippo.

"I'm real sorry boys, but I think there's been a mix up." he said.

Percy sighed in relief.

"It's all right, dude. What's the situation?" asked Percy.

Daddy leaned in.

"It's actually a real interesting story. It's a long story too, if you have the time?"

Percy and Hippo turned to each other, and nodded.

"Okay. It started thirty years ago, when the Ficarotta crime family was just me, a low-level crook. I spent my days pickpocketing tourists and holding up gas stations. All was not good! I wanted to be the star man, but the local mafioso was too powerful. His syndicate was like a cancer, and it had tendrils everywhere, at every level. But I was ambitious. Listen to me. There's not a more poisonous trait than ambition. Ambition overrides everything. I was hungry for the power that man held, and I wanted it all for myself. But, I needed help. I went to consult with my daddy, and asked him if he knew of any way I could succeed. I wish I never went to him."

"Yeah, I've noticed those types of things don't tend to turn out too well."

"It didn't. My daddy told me to go to the crossroads on the night of the winter solstice. I remember thinking that was kinda an odd request, but I didn't know any better. I did as he told me, and stayed by the crossroads for hours. Nothing was there. Nothing but the long, dark night. So I went to leave, and then she came. It was the most visceral experience of my life. The lady was ethereal. She was in a flowy dress, and held torches in both hands. She told me that I would succeed, but that I owed her. When she needed a favor, she would come calling."

Percy's eyes widened. Hippo looked to him.

 _Hecate?_

"That's not good."

"You're right. In the coming years I built a syndicate worthy of the gods, and that local mafioso had an unfortunate accident in the kitchen involving lots of knives. Several more mafiosos unexpectedly died around the same time. I'm not kidding. Nobody killed those fuckers. Then, without opposition, the Ficarotta crime family became the monopoly around here. Everything was rolling smooth, for years. Sure, I started to slow down, but my family was in a good position for the years to come. But there was one thing hanging over my head the whole fucking time."

"Making a deal with an unknown entity at a crossroads would weigh on my mind a bit, too."

"I lived, and it was almost with a sense of relief that the same lady, who hadn't aged a day, came into my restaurant a few weeks ago, and sat in the very chair your fucking bird is in, and called in my debt. My monopoly is about to come tumbling down!"

"I'm sorry, Daddy."

"Thanks."

"What did she ask for?"

"Artifacts. Three statues, one of which sits in the Vatican museums, another in an impenetrable bank vault, and the other lost to time. She needs them returned to Kerameikos by the winter solstice. The only hint she gave us, was to look for the man with the tropical bird."

Percy's eyes widened again.

"It wouldn't happen to be the statue of a lady with three bodies, would it?" asked Percy.

Daddy gasped.

"How'd you know?"

Hippo gasped.

 _Of course! The other form of Hecate!_

Percy patted Hippo.

"Maybe cassowaries are tropical birds. Also, why'd your dudes shoot at us?"

xxx

 _Milord?_

"Yes?"

 _Don't you think we're getting a little sidetracked?_

"Definitely."

 _Just as long as you admit it._

The first statue was found easily enough. Percy and Hippo retraced their steps, leading the gangsters through the catacombs with ease. The trouble came when they had to get the statue out, and the large mob-cop perished in the turmoil. They held a small funeral, in which Percy was tasked with giving the eulogy.

After taking the standard days of mourning, Percy was made an honorary member of the Ficarotta crime family. Hippo was made the official mascot, and soon started making appearances on logos, and at home games. It was in the middle of December, and the solstice would quickly come and go. They decided to complete the remaining heists in a fell swoop, with Percy leading the raid on the Vatican, and the taxi driver robbing the bank.

But before they could do that, they were going to watch the driver's Europop band perform for the first time.

The band was booked at a swanky club, thanks to Daddy's influence. Percy, Hippo, Daddy, and the gaunt mob-cop sat in the VIP section, their legs resting on the lowly attendants who were barely worthy of being their footstools. The gaunt mob-cop was very drunk, and high on ecstasy. As such, the other three were trying to entertain themselves and focus on anything other than Il Buttafuocos terrible music.

"Do you ever hear voices?" Daddy asked Percy.

Percy shifted his attention from Hippo.

"All the time." he said.

"I ask because I saw you conversing with him," Daddy pointed to Hippo. "But he's never going to respond. So you have to make it up."

"If you say so."

"I hear voices, Perseus."

Percy nodded slowly.

"I hear them all the time." Daddy continued. "The only thing is, I'm not sure if I'm making them up anymore. They speak of things I could not know."

"You might want to get that checked out. I happen to be a semi-professional therapist, who always answers the call." said Percy.

Daddy pretended not to hear him.

"Right now, they're telling me something interesting. They say… watch out for the rat."

"Depending on your healthcare plan, your insurance could fully cover the cost of an appointment. Or several."

"The only problem, is they're not telling me who the rat is. It's eating me inside out!"

 _Ask him if he had any of the communion wafers we stole from the catacombs._ said Hippo.

"Did you eat any of the stuff we brought back from the catacombs?" Percy asked.

Daddy broke out of his stupor.

"Yeah, I had a little bit of the wine. Why do you ask?"

Percy turned back to Hippo.

"I told you it was the wine!"

"Percy, I think this is going to be my last job."

Percy turned back to Daddy.

"What?"

"One more big shindig. I've been the head of this family for thirty years, so I feel obligated to pay off the last debts associated with it. But, after this, I want out. I'm going to retire, in Singapore."

"Don't worry, Daddy, that's just the wine talking. Even with your fortune, the best you can hope for is Hong Kong. You have expensive tastes, man."

Daddy frowned.

"Nah, too many people. Anyways, I need to ask you for a favor."

"If it's within reason."

"I want you to become head of the family."

"What?!"

Daddy's bloodshot eyes met Percy's.

"You heard me. I want you to become head of the family when I retire."

"Isn't the taxi driver actually your son? Why can't he do it?"

Daddy scoffed.

"He's the head of a Europop band. I'm Eurodropping him off my will. You're already the sole benefactor from my life insurance."

"We've known each other for two weeks!"

"Just think about it. Tell me after the job."

Daddy went back to his communion wine.

 _I've always wanted to collect someone's life insurance._

Percy sighed.

xxx

Security at the Vatican was tight. Planning for a heist was one thing, enacting it was another. The statue was located in the Museo Chiaramonti, one of the many Museums that were located in the Vatican. It held one of the most important collections of Roman busts, with marble halls full of statues. The Vatican's police force could respond to any distress call within minutes, mainly because even Jonah Hill could run the length of the Vatican in minutes without breaking a sweat.

Even worse, was the fact that they would have to walk in. Walking into the Vatican with multiple forms of weaponry would be an experience, and Percy could only hope that the security was just as good as most airports. That way, everything would get in undetected. Percy carried one small automatic, a pistol, and several knives. Daddy had much the same, but Hippo had a bomb strapped to his chest, just in case things went to hell. Which would be kinda funny, seeing as they were in the Vatican.

Percy, Hippo, Daddy, and several grunts stood at the North Entrance of the Vatican, waiting in the immigration line to get in beside the museums. Percy's weapons were all shoved in his pants, and Hippo wore his bomb proudly. They were the last in line.

"Next!" said the priest manning the desk. Percy and Hippo stepped forwards.

"Hello! Welcome to the Vatican! Might I see your passport?" asked the priest.

"Of course." said Percy.

The priest glanced up, seeing Hippo.

"Do you intend to bring that thing in?"

"You mean Hippo? He's my seeing eye dog."

The priest grimaced.

"That's no dog. The Vatican doesn't allow exotic pets, as we find the trade to be against our ideals."

Percy stared at him.

"He looks like a dog to me."

The priest grimaced again.

"Fine. What's that strapped to his chest?"

"That? That's his identification vest, marking him as a therapy animal."

"What're those wires coming out of it?"

"That's for the beeper. It helps me find him if he gets away from me."

Hippo's vest was, indeed, beeping.

The priest stared at him.

"And what about the bulge in your pants?"

Percy looked innocent.

"My, my, father. If I didn't know better, I'd say you went for younger men."

The priest turned red, and glanced around to see if anyone had heard.

"Get inside!" he hissed, waving them through.

They met up with Daddy and the gang outside of the museums.

"Alright," Daddy said. "Do we all remember the plan?"

Percy, Hippo, and the grunts looked at each other, then nodded their assent.

Daddy sighed.

"Can any of you recite the plan?"

Percy, Hippo, and the grunts looked at each other again, and shook their heads.

"Perfect." said Daddy. "Just Perfect."

He pulled on his ski mask. The others did the same. They removed their weaponry from various positions on their bodies.

"Okay. Grunts in first."

The grunts burst into the museum, and a chorus of gunfire rang out. Percy, Hippo, and Daddy followed.

"Sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up! This is a robbery! I don't want to kill anybody, but I will if I have to! Don't force my hand!" said Daddy.

Hippo shivered in delight.

Various tourists and clergymen were corralled against the walls, hands on their heads. The marble statues watched the scene disinterested. The grunts were doing their work nicely, moving in an efficient manner. Soon, everyone was rounded up, and the thieves had a brief respite.

The main hall was expansive, seemingly limitless. Around one-hundred feet long, and seventy-five feet wide, sculpture art lined the walls. Like most classy buildings, the floor was made of marble, and the occasional column jutted out of the floor.

"Where's the statue?" asked Daddy.

"Eastern wing. There should be a response pretty quickly, but as long as it's still a hostage situation they won't risk anything." Percy replied.

Daddy gave Percy a suspicious look, before his eyes gleamed.

"Will they send in a negotiator?"

"I have no clue. Why do you ask?"

"I need a new lawnmower. Do you think they'd let me exchange one of the hostages for a riding lawnmower?"

Percy thought about it for a second. He nodded.

"Most likely. While you're at it, could you get me a Rolex? Maybe some wine, as well?"

 _Boss, could we get some pizza in here, too?_

"Hippo wants pizza. Tell them that we'll feed slices to the hostages to make sure it's not poisoned."

Daddy had gotten out a small notepad, and was writing a list.

"Yeah, sure. Anyone else want anything? Hostages included, trade your life for various paraphernalia!"

xxx

 _How are we planning to move this?_

The statue was even larger than the one in the catacombs, six or seven feet tall. It looked remarkably similar to the Statue of Liberty, despite being triple bodied. The marble was weathered, but still beautiful, and strikingly realistic. It was as if the statue would step off the podium and into life.

"I know how. It must be an animatronic!"

 _It's not bronze._

"Don't you remember Hephaestus's experimental phase?"

Hippo cringed.

 _Don't remind me. Surely this is much too pretty to be one of those monstrosities?_

"No, I think it must be. Hecate wants these back, so she wouldn't give out a job that's impossible."

Hippo looked at him.

"Alright, she might. But trust me on this."

 _How would it activate?_

"They have trigger words. We need to brainstorm. What word would attract the Goddess of Magic?"

 _Alakazam?_

"Abracadabra."

 _Expelliarmus!_

"Macaroni!"

The statue stood resolutely still. They continued to make a few more half-hearted attempts.

 _Maybe it's not a trigger word. Use blood._

"Why am I always the one who has to cut themselves? You do it!"

 _Anything you have that would cut me would also kill me. I would prefer not to die._

"We've been alive over two millennia, Hippo. Maybe your time has come."

 _Please. You wouldn't survive without me._

"On second thought, maybe your time hasn't come. Pass me a knife."

Percy cut his hand and rubbed it against the statue. Nothing happened.

 _Maybe a little more would do it. Try cutting your throat._

"Hippo."

 _Maybe your time has come, milord._

"If my time has come, who would you go on adventures with?"

 _Really? That's the best you can do? I'd go to Klytie, of course. She loves me._

Percy frowned.

"Anyways, I'm not cutting my throat."

Hippo stilled.

 _Maybe, milord, we just have to realize that the true magic comes from within us._

The statue shrunk to the size of a figurine.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

They went back to the main hall, coming upon an intriguing scene. Several boxes of pizza, a lawnmower, and bags of designer merchandise were strewn everywhere. Some of the hostages were chowing down, eating various luxury foodstuff. In one corner, was a dead guy with his head blown out. Daddy was on the phone, and had a very large list in front of him.

"Did we miss anything?" asked Percy.

"Yeah, two barrels of the scotch. Perseus! Would you hold for a second? Thanks." Daddy put down the phone. "Did you get the statue?"

"Yeah. What's all this?"

A young boy piped up from the back.

"The best hostage situation ever!"

"They sent in a negotiator, and he's meeting all of our demands! We only had to kill one guy before they sent in the pizzas, and now they're doing whatever I ask!" said Daddy.

"That's awful!"

"Don't worry, he volunteered."

Percy just shook his head.

"Did you get that Rolex?"

"It's somewhere in the back. I'm getting back on the line, there's a few more things I want."

Daddy looked like he wanted to say something else, but turned back to his phone.

"Shit! They're refusing to negotiate any further!" he said.

All the hostages groaned.

"They're raiding the building! Everyone, grab a statue and we'll barricade ourselves inside!"

All the men, women, and children began to work, piling statues upon the front doors. The hired grunts watched the perimeter, waiting for the SWAT team that would inevitably show up. Unfortunately, they had failed to take one thing into account.

"How many entrances does this place have?" asked Percy.

Daddy pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Godammit."

A spatter of gunshots took them from behind. Several of the grunts fell, as well as a few hostages. Two SWAT teams were moving into the hall, taking no prisoners. Percy ducked behind a statue.

"Hippo, they can't hurt you! We need you in there!"

 _Bomb or not?_

"Not yet." Two shots hit the statue, barely missing Percy's head. "Damn! Get on it, I'll cover you!"

Hippo charged, and Percy rolled out from behind the statue, drawing his gun. The cops were in formation behind ballistic shields, as the hostages were fighting back. The grunts were attempting to flank them, but they couldn't penetrate the team's formation. Hippo had no problem doing what the grunts could not, and leapt over both lines of combatants. Immediately after he landed, he jumped into the fro, landing several kicks on the cops in the back.

The formation broke, and the cops scattered. Most took cover behind columns or sculptures, and now fired unrestrained into the hostages. The hostages in turn took guns from the fallen cops, and fired back with equal force. Percy slid in and out of cover, firing intermittently. Daddy did something.

The commotion was over as quickly as it started. Luxury items were in pieces across the floor, and all the hostages, grunts, and cops were dead. The pizza, however, was untouched. Percy, Hippo, and Daddy stood amongst the wreckage. Daddy looked frazzled.

"I told you to stay down!" Daddy said.

"What?" asked Percy.

Daddy ran up to him, grabbing his collar.

"I told you to stay the fuck down!"

"Daddy, you never said that!"

Daddy leaned in until their noses were touching.

"I always knew you were a rat!"

"I'm not a rat!"

"I had a bad feeling about this from the beginning! If you're not the rat, how'd you know the cops were gonna show up?"

"We literally came in here and started shooting! The Vatican is the size of a postage stamp, there's no way no one would notice!"

"That sounds very well reasoned. Too well reasoned. Exactly something a rat would say! How'd you know this place had more than one entrance?"

"I didn't!"

"Exactly something a rat would claim not to know!"

Hippo stood watching them, eating the pizza.

"I'm not the rat! You're the rat!" said Percy.

"How am I the rat?" Daddy asked.

"You're trying to claim that I'm the rat, therefore covering your own rodent identity!"

"That doesn't make sense! I'm the mob boss!"

"That's something a rodent would say! You even have whiskers!"

Percy pointed to Daddy's mustache. Daddy's face dawned in realization.

"You're right! I must be the rat! This explains everything!"

"It does? I mean, it does!" said Percy.

"I must've tipped off the cops… I must've told them. No! I don't believe it! I couldn't have! But I did. I'm so sorry boys…"

"Don't worry, Daddy. We'll accept your apology, just this once."

Daddy let go of Percy's collar, and started to pace.

"No, no. You don't understand. I'm the rat!"

"I know. But Hippo and I are very forgiving people. We accept your apology."

"Shut the fuck up about your fucking cassowary! It doesn't have a fucking personality! Do you understand what this means? Do you know what they do to rats in the Ficarotta crime family? Do you know what I have to do?"

"Hey! Don't talk about Hippo like that!"

"I have to do this!"

Daddy pulled out a gun. Percy stood still. Hippo rose in alarm.

"Hey. Careful there."

He raised the gun.

"Daddy! Don't!"

Daddy shot himself in the head, and fell to the floor.

"What the fuck, man?!"

Percy rushed to his side, to no avail. Daddy was dead.

Hippo sniffed.

 _I can't wait to get my hands on that insurance check._

"Hippo! He just fucking killed himself!"

 _Nah, he's fine. He just needs to walk it off._

Percy was speechless.

 _No, really. He definitely just faked his death, so he could go into retirement safely. His last gift was giving us the ability to cache in that life insurance. He's probably on his way to Singapore already._

"First off, he's definitely dead. Second, it's Hong Kong. Nobody can afford Singapore."

 _Think about it like this. Whether he's dead or not, he definitely wouldn't want us to get caught get on one of those police uniforms and let's get out of here._

Hippo began to walk away, then stomped the ground angrily.

 _Shit!_

"What?"

 _I didn't get to use the bomb!_

Percy paused.

"I'd say that's probably for the best."

xxx

The Pope drummed his fingers against his desk. A lowly Cardinal sat in front of him, quivering.

"And what, exactly, did you say they steal?"

The Cardinal stared at his lap.

"Only one statue, your holiness. Just one!"

The Pope grabbed his chin, tilting it up. Their eyes met.

""I asked what they stole, Cardinal. Not how many pieces they took, what they took. Understand?"

The Cardinal broke down, and began to blubber.

"It was the Hecate Triad, your holiness! The Hecate Triad! We can replace it, easily! I'll do it myself! I'll scour the world for one exactly like it! Did I say one? No, three! Three exactly like it!"

The Pope didn't react. The Cardinal's face puckered in a grim acceptance.

"The Hecate Triad. You realize, it is utterly irreplaceable?"

Tears came down the Cardinal's cheeks.

"Yes, your holiness."

The Pope was oblivious to his state.

"Cardinal, I'm afraid that you will not be allowed to leave this room. Samyaza shall demand an offering."

Hard sobs racked the Cardinal's body. The Pope continued.

"But, first things first. Call the custodian."

The Cardinal struggled for composure, shaking his head.

"I said to call the custodian. I will not repeat myself again."

The Cardinal still refused.

Without a word, the Pope grabbed the Cardinal's hair, twisting it.

"Do it. Tell him to bring me the Watcher."

The Cardinal called the custodian, and the chambers were overtaken with silence. A knock on the door broke the revery, and in came the custodian. In his hands, a tetrahedron sat on a velvet cushion. Runes were inscribed upon it, and it was sealed with blood. The custodian presented it to the Pope.

"Samyaza, your holiness."

The Pope nodded towards the Cardinal.

"Take it."

The Cardinal didn't move. The Pope sighed, and ran a hand through his hair.

"My dear boy. Die, like a man fit for heaven. Die with dignity. When you descend to hell, look at the Devil. Look in his eyes. Tell him you did not live your life to service him, and that your damnation will lead to our salvation. Take it."

The Cardinal took the tetrahedron. When both the light, and the screams died, a man in chains stood before the Pope. He smiled. The Pope looked at him in disgust.

"Find the statue, scum. Then, go back to the pit from whence you came."

The custodian frowned.

"Your holiness, this may be demon scum, but that's no excuse for racism!"

The Pope turned to him.

"Don't make me make you fetch Ramiel."

The custodian shuddered.

"I'm sorry, your holiness."

xxx

Athens was lively. It reminded Percy of ancient Athens, and in his experience, was one of the only cities to remain true to its origin. That being said, the only other city Percy had had the privilege of comparing to its ancestor was Rome. When you take that into consideration, it's easy to draw the conclusion that Percy was full of it.

The exit from Rome was an interesting one. Percy had assumed the head of the Ficarotta crime family, and Hippo had cashed Daddy's life insurance check. The driver turned out to be better at crime than he was at music, and successfully stole the statue from the high security bank.

Percy and Hippo were in the largest strictly pedestrian zone in Europe, a three-kilometre strip around the Acropolis. Kerameikos was past the Ancient Agora, on Ermou Street. Kerameikos was a small part of the Attic Deme of Kerameon, a large deme in ancient Athens. It also happened to be the largest cemetery of the ancient city.

 _Cemeteries._ said Hippo. _Why'd it have to be cemeteries?_

Percy looked at him.

"What do you mean? At least these dead people can't hurt us."

 _It's not wise to test fate, milord._

"Hippo, I've done a lot more than test fate. I'm lucky enough to hold my fate in my hands."

 _You haven't touched that thing in years, and you'd do well to keep it that way. Don't you remember what happened the last time we used it?_

Percy winced.

"The last time I used it." he corrected. "Don't you remember what happened the last time you touched it?"

Hippo winced.

 _This is the last time I'll say it! That wasn't my fault!_

"It's in the past."

 _Then why'd you bring it up?_

"I didn't! You did on that 'holier than thou' rant!"

 _I'll make sure that you'll be pretty holey yourself, if you don't drop it!_

"Fine, fine."

The pair continued through the scenic walk, often stopping to take pictures. There wasn't really a crowd, which could be attributed to it being a wet day in the middle of the winter. There were three other people; a nice couple and an old lady. It was raining lightly, which gave the stones a glossy sheen, and made the bright green moss stand out even more. They made it to the graveyard, and took a nice stroll around. The graves were fashioned in the traditional Greek way, cylindrical spires rising up from the ground.

The gravemarkers often had carvings, and it was amongst one of that factor that Percy noticed something interesting. A blue eye was intricately carved into one of the headstones, providing a dash of color amongst the gray stones. It was exactly the same as the eye on the first statue of Hecate.

"Hippo."

Hippo followed Percy's line of vision.

 _Interesting. Very interesting. Get out the statues._

All of the statues had conveniently shrunk to manageable heights when Percy and Hippo had realized that true magic came from within.

"The grave is probably like the statues. You ready?"

 _When you are._

"Alright. True magic comes-"

 _From within._

They looked at the grave expectantly. Nothing happened.

Percy looked at Hippo hopefully.

 _Nope, you do it._

Percy sighed. He cut his hand, and rubbed the blood over the eye on the grave, and the eye on the stone. Nothing happened.

"Gods-be-damned! I think I hit a vein!"

 _Oh no, I think the only option is cauterization, followed quickly by amputation, then another cauterization._

Percy turned to retort, but was very surprised to find the old woman directly behind him.

"Gah!" said Percy.

The old woman smiled. Her teeth were yellow and rotting, and she was missing an eye.

"My sight does not deceive me! It is you, seeker, the one I have been waiting for!" she said.

Percy backed up a step, then reconsidered, and took a step forward.

"Of course it is," he sighed. "What do I have to do?"

The woman's smile grew wider.

"Wait for the guide. There is one more piece you must recover. There are three statues, are there not?"

Percy nodded. She continued.

"There must be three eyes. Come back on the solstice."

"Got it."

The old lady left them alone.

"When is the solstice, by the way?"

Hippo looked at his watch.

 _Tomorrow night._

"Fuck it, I'm out. Let's go get drunk."

 _Do they allow cassowaries in Greek bars?_

xxx

Percy woke up the next morning in a daze, and snuggled closer into his pillow. He was very surprised when it yelped, and scratched his cheek.

"Ow!"

He sat up, and looked around. He was in his hotel room, but it wasn't really a hotel room anymore. The bed was torn up, chairs and desks were overturned, and it looked like Mel Gibson had taken up residency in the bathroom. Hippo was on the floor, splayed in all directions.

His pillow looked like it was an emaciated cat, cute but very grimy. It was long and slender, with abnormally short legs. It lay on the bed like it owned it, and went back to sleep. More importantly, it had on a necklace with a large pendant of a blue eye.

"Hippo! Wake up!"

Hippo snored deeply.

Percy got off the bed and prodded him awake.

 _What?_

"Dude, there's a cat here."

 _So?_

"I think it has the third eye!"

 _So? Just grab it. I'm trying to sleep._

Percy prodded him again.

 _Fine…_

Hippo got up, and looked at the bed.

 _That's not a cat._

"What do you mean? Of course it's a cat."

 _If that's a cat, I look like an ostrich._

"You do look like an ostrich."

 _Please. I look much prettier than an ostrich._

"Maybe it's one of those weird breeds, like that hairless one. The sphinx cat."

 _Whatever that thing is, it has hair._

"I know. It was a very comfortable pillow."

 _Maybe it's an otter of some kind?_

"It's definitely a cat."

Hippo sighed.

 _Whatever you say, milord._

"We need that eye, Hippo."

Hippo sighed again.

 _Go crazy, milord._

Percy approached the cat, and tapped it. It popped a lazy eye open.

"Hey, buddy. I kinda need that necklace of yours."

The cat looked at him.

"No you don't, you blithering idiot." it said.

Hippo and Percy both jumped back in shock.

 _What the fuck?_

The cat rolled its eyes.

"I'm the guide. This is my marker. It's quite common, actually. These necklaces are thought to ward off the evil eye."

Percy recovered.

"And do they?" he asked.

"Not at all." said the cat. "I'm Diandra. We must move swiftly if we are to make it to the drop off point on time."

 _Wait a second._

Percy looked to Hippo.

 _How do we know she's really the guide?_

"How do we know you're really the guide?" asked Percy.

Diandra looked bored.

"I swear on the Styx that I was sent by the goddess Hecate herself to aid you in your endeavor."

Thunder boomed.

"Follow me."

The trio exited the hotel, only stopping to request that a cleaning person be sent up to survey the damage. They stepped into the streets of Athens, and steadily retraced their steps to Kerameikos. Diandra informed them of the site's history.

"All the graves have been replaced now, and they're housed in the museum. All the graves except for one, and I'm sure you can probably guess which one that is. The replacements are made of plaster, and have been shaped and all that to look exactly the same. But the feel is different now, all the magic in the air is gone."

"That's too bad." said Percy.

Diandra sniffed.

"Is it? Now all the creatures have gone, out to the countryside. There's nothing for them to feed off of anymore. Of course, the other sites could probably give them sustenance, but nothing as delicious as graveyard magic. They've moved so they can feed on legacies."

"Doesn't anyone notice that something's up?"

"All the time. But anyone who points it out gets eaten."

"How many legacies are there?"

"You know the gods. Probably around an eighth of the population, around here."

"If there's no magic left in the graveyard, why are we going there?"

"I suspect that there is magic, it's just hidden. I believe that it could be the solution to a local problem."

Percy was confused.

"What local problem?"

"That of the kallikantzaroi." Diandra said.

"What?" asked Percy.

 _The Christmas ghosts?_

"Yes. The 'Christmas ghosts'. In reality, they are the goblins of the solstice." Diandra stated.

"What's going on? I'm a little bit lost here." said Percy.

 _How's that any different from normal?_

"Hey!"

"People here believe the kallikantzaroi are a breed of goblin that emerge during the yuletide season to cause havoc amongst the populace. The truth, is that they are creations of Hecate that have gone rogue, and they emerge every year on the solstice for a period of twelve days." said Diandra.

 _You're forgetting something important._

Diandra gave Hippo a look of annoyance.

"For most of the year, they try to chop down the tree of life. When they abandon their work to roam the earth, the tree uses its time to regenerate."

"What do you mean by 'solution', then? If we just stop them from entering earth, won't they destroy the tree of life?" Percy asked.

"Maybe." replied Diandra.

"I'm not really an expert on this, but that doesn't sound like it's for everyone's best interest."

"Don't worry too much," said Diandra. "Hecate had a theory about the tree. If it gets destroyed, a new entrance to the underworld would be created. One that would help you on your task for Chaos."

"Shit! I totally forgot about that!"

Diandra looked taken aback.

"You forgot that you had a task from Chaos?"

"Hey man, this is like, the third one. I'm getting used to it by now."

Hippo looked at him.

 _But this one involves rescuing one of your dead friends._ said Hippo.

"We don't need to mention that," Percy replied. "How'd you know we have a task from Chaos?"

"Because Hecate knows." said Diandra.

Percy sighed.

"And how does Hecate know?"

"Kronos is the Titan of Time. You think he wouldn't notice such a massive wrinkle in it?"

Percy sighed.

 _Uh, boss? What does she mean by Kronos?_

"I kinda forgot that Hecate is on the Titan's side right about now…"

Diandra rolled her eyes.

"Hecate is on Hecate's side. Don't worry, he doesn't remember. But, if I were you, I'd have a little talk with your contractor about the art of subtlety."

The rest of the journey was taken in silence. The wind was biting, and oftentimes they were the only people on the street. The climb to the Acropolis was taken carefully, as no one particularly wanted to fall to their deaths.

This time there was no company in Kerameikos, which had the same loneliness as the city streets. It was eery, and Percy was able to take in every detail. They went through the graveyard and into the museum.

"There should be an entrance somewhere around here." Diandra said.

"An entrance?" asked Percy.

"Magic is a very complicated phenomenon. We are about to enter its realm, much like entering the Underworld. Except, more magical. Not in a good way, either."

"I doubt this place could be worse than my last few visits to the Underworld."

"You'd be surprised. Ha! This is the entrance!"

Diandra was looking at a black vase out on display.

"Diandra, that's a vase." said Percy.

"Hush, fool. This is no vase. It's an urn!"

"That's basically a vase with a lid."

Diandra sighed heavily.

"Another of Hecate's domains is necromancy. Tell me, what does an urn house?"

"How does this make that an entrance to the realm of magic?"

Diandra looked at Percy like he was an idiot.

"Stop asking questions like an imbecile. Just accept it and move on."

Percy did as he was told.

"Okay, how do we use it then?" he asked.

Diandra smiled, an interesting look for a cat.

"This contains some very special ashes. I don't know whose, but it's well saturated with magic."

"Interesting."

"Indeed. To enter the realm of magic, we must snort the ashes."

Percy nodded.

"I should've known."

"Do you have any credit cards on you? And anything to cut the ashes with?"

"I have the credit cards, but nothing to cut it with. I can ask Hippo, though."

Diandra and Percy turned to Hippo expectantly.

 _I should have some baking soda somewhere around here._

 __Percy indicated that Hippo would help out.

They cut the ashes, arranging them into nice lines on the display case. Diandra turned to them.

"Boys, whatever you see or hear after snorting these ashes, remember that it'll wear off in a couple hours. If you can stay alive until then, everything will be good." she said.

"Wait, all this is going to do is make us trip?"

"The realm of magic isn't a physical one, but that doesn't mean it's not real."

Percy turned to Hippo, and Hippo to Percy. They nodded their heads in agreement.

"Sweet."

They snorted the ashes, and the world began to blend.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Not my best chapter, definitely. But I'm getting back into this story, and believe it or not, the last paragraph was planned. Even if it gives me a jump start moving forward.**

 **Ch. 5**

They emerged in a forest, that also happened to resemble another plane of existence. The colors were all slightly too bright, and the air shimmered and gleamed. Everything seemed to be moving, and the trees swayed with a wind that could not be felt. The temperature was less than scalding, but more than freezing, and couldn't be nailed down.

Percy's eyes bugged as he saw a fairy flitting around.

"Whoa."

Diandra looked satisfied.

"Whoa indeed."

Hippo was looking around, taking everything in.

 _I think I can smell the colors._

Percy thought about it, but found he didn't have a response to that.

"We can't take too long to look around. We need to be back at the grave by sundown, so let's get moving." said Diandra.

"Where's the tree?" Percy asked.

But then he could feel it. His gut tugged, and he knew where they had to go.

Diandra smirked.

"It beckons." she said.

"Man, that felt weird." said Percy.

The tree pulled them deeper into the woods, and the vegetation soon grew dense. The air hummed in anticipation.

"Something seems... off." said Percy.

Diandra didn't break stride.

"You've just entered a new world. The nuances will take time to settle."

Hippo nodded in agreement.

 _Chill boss, I like this place._

"Hippo, it's a well known fact that things you like have the strong potential to be hazardous to our health." Percy replied.

Hippo looked offended.

 _How'd you even get that out of your mouth? From what I remember, you haven't even finished high school!_

"I finished high school!"

Diandra interjected.

"Really? You're arguing about academics when we're literally in another dimension?"

"No offense, but Christmas ghosts don't really sound very intimidating. I have seen 'A Christmas Carol'."

Diandra huffed.

"They're not like any mortal creation. They're daemons, unholy spirits!"

"I don't even know what they look like. All I can see is that Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come! You want intimidating, look at that! That thing was creepy."

"I've known you for less than two hours, and I can already discern you're a lost cause."

Diandra chuckled at Percy's expression.

The flora surrounding them was now iridescent, and glowed with green light. The dirt had shifted from brown to black, and had lost its sandy feel. Large mushrooms sprouted out of the trees.

Hippo breathed deeply.

 _I like how that green smells._

Percy still had no response.

"We're almost there." said Diandra.

Percy could feel it. The pull of the tree was almost unbearable. He knew what was coming before he saw it, and was slightly surprised when they broke into a large clearing. A massive tree stood in the center, dwarfing even the redwoods and giant sequoias. Twelve goblin-like creatures stood with axes, continuously hacking at it.

Their ears were long, and pointed at the tip. Their noses were hooked, with warts and hair sprouting from the nostrils. Their hands were rough and gnarled, and they were eight feet tall.

Hippo pulled Percy back into the trees.

"Are you a fool? Don't let them notice us!" said Diandra.

"I take it back. Those things are intimidating." said Percy.

Diandra exaggerated a sigh.

"Be that as it may, we do have to kill them."

Hippo looked giddy at the thought.

"How will the tree come down, then?" asked Percy.

Diandra's looked at him.

"I can feel the eye. It's inside the tree."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"So we're going to cut down the tree? What'll happen after that?"

"I would imagine a large explosion. Lots of energy in there." said Diandra.

"What?!"

"You heard me. We just have to think of a way to do it without us getting hurt."

"How about we just let them cut it down?"

"They would finish it too late. We only have half an hour left in here."

Percy struck a sudden realization.

"Hippo, the bomb! Do you still have it?" he asked.

 _Of course I d-_

"Of course you do." Percy interjected before Hippo could finish.

"The bomb?" asked Diandra.

"It's a long story."

Diana turned contemplative.

"Does it involve Chaos?"

"It involves Daddy. And the Vatican."

Diandra shuddered, and looked Percy over.

"Are you alright?"

"I'd prefer not to get into it."

"Anyways! The bomb!"

They had the beginnings of a plan.

xxx

Percy strode into the clearing, with Diandra on his shoulder. They moved with confidence, their heads held high, looking around with disdain. The first of the kallikantzaroi noticed them when they were halfway to the tree, and it nudged its brethren and pointed.

"What the right fuck is that?'

"That's a human, Devon, you fucking scut."

"Nah, I'm talking about that thing on its shoulder!"

The beast squinted.

"I can't tell if it's a cat, or a wily hot dog!"

The other groaned.

"You need glasses, you dumb bastard. It's obviously a combination! A daschund, I think it's called."

"A what?"

"A daschund! It's german!"

"Well, what the fuck is it wearing? And the human, too!"

"Clipboards… uniforms… shit. It's inspection time, fellas. Best if everyone gets on over here."

The beasts assembled in a line before Percy and Diandra. Percy cleared his throat.

"Hello, everyone! This is your annual workplace health and safety inspection, so if you all cooperated it would be very much appreciated. I am Inspector Jackson, and this is Inspector Diandra. Could I have the pleasure of speaking to a manager?"

A burly kallikantzaroiz stepped forward.

"That would be me. The name's Polydeukes, Inspectors. Does everything meet standards?"

Percy gave the area a once over, and wrinkled his nose.

"I'm afraid I find myself dissatisfied, Mr. Polydeukes. These conditions look downright dangerous! But, I will give you the benefit of the doubt until you lead me through them."

Polydeukes flinched.

"Of course. Please follow me."

Polydeukes lead them towards the base of the tree, gesturing for his comrades to cover the equipment up. Axes were hidden, and a makeshift pulley-system was quickly dismantled. Polydeukes did his best to keep Percy and Diandra's eyes on him, and off of the rest of his goblin troupe.

"Mr. Polydeukes, we do have some baseline questions to ask before our inspection." said Diandra. "For one, how well do you pay your workers? Does it meet Greece's minimum wage requirements?"

Polydeukes thought quickly.

"Uh, I think we're looking at around seven-fifty an hour right now."

Diandra eyed him speculatively.

"You think?"

Polydeukes straightened up.

"No. I know." he said.

Diandra nodded.

"That should meet our standards. How many hours does the average worker work a month?"

Polydeukes answered confidently.

"We never stop working!"

Diandra looked at him.

"You realize that violates dozens of worker safety laws, don't you?"

Polydeukes looked surprised.

"What?"

"You have openly admitted to criminally overworking your employees. After we finish our inspection we will be forced to take you into custody, but for now you may continue." Diandra replied.

"What?! I'm sorry, but I can't allow that to happen! This year may finally be our year! We are on track to cut down the tree of life before the winter solstice, and without me it's never going to happen! We need all hands on deck here!" said Polydeukes.

"I too am sorry, Mr. Polydeukes. But, I don't make the laws. I only enforce them." Diandra said.

Polydeukes head swelled as his blood pressure rose. Percy and Diandra shared a look of alarm. But, instead of exploding in anger, he took a deep breath and nodded.

"I understand."

Percy butted in.

"Very good. You may continue."

Polydeukes led them to the mess pavilion, where a large table was situated. On top of the table were mounds of rotting food, complete with fist-sized maggots and crimson red rats. The stench was horrendous, yet oddly satisfying. Another quirk of the world of magic.

Diandra turned to Polydeukes, who wasn't batting an eyelash at the sight in front of them.

"Mr. Polydeukes, what the fuck is this shit?" she asked.

"What do you mean? This is dinner."

Percy eyed Polydeukes speculatively.

"I think she's asking why you're feeding your employees rotting food filled with vermin. I myself was pondering the same." he said.

Polydeukes looked offended, and his head once again began to swell.

"This is a delicacy of our people! It's called Φουσκωτό σωρό σκατά!"

Diandra grimaced.

"That's not good."

Polydeukes visibly had to calm himself down. His swelling head soon retreated to its normal state.

"I suppose it's not for everyone. Now, how about we check out the working stations?"

"Wait just a second! We need to mark down the health and safety violations of the mess hall first!" said Percy. "Diandra, could you pass the clipboard?"

Percy's scribbling took the better part of a minute.

Polydeukes nearly snarled.

"Alright!" he proclaimed. "We may proceed!"

Polydeukes lead them back to the base of the tree, but this time showed them the remaining equipment. The workers tried to appear nonchalant, but it was obvious they were eavesdropping. Percy picked up a particularly brutal looking whip.

"Mr. Polydeukes, what do you use this for?"

Before Polydeukes could answer, the workers began to mutter amongst themselves.

"Oh, I fuckin' hate it when he uses that un! That un hurts, it does!"

"Excuse me?" Percy asked.

Polydeukes looked viciously at the speaker. The worker's eyes widened.

"Never mind me, I jus' work here!"

Percy rounded on Polydeukes.

"Do you use this as a method of punishment?"

Polydeukes looked uncomfortable.

"Of course not! I treat my workers with the utmost respect!"

Another worker perked up.

"You what? You tried to get wit' my wife, you did!"

Diandra turned on the manager.

"A womanizer?"

The manager's head began to swell.

"I'm sorry! I had a bit too much to drink on bingo night!"

"An alcoholic?" Percy interjected.

"No!" the manager yelled.

Another worker spoke.

"Yes ye are! Why jus' today I saw you cramming a sixer drivin' in, I did!"

The manager's head swelled even more. Veins were clearly popping out of his forehead.

"Shut the fuck up, Horace!"

"Verbally abusing your employees?" Diandra jumped in.

The manager's head exploded in a shower of gore. There was a moment of silence.

"How unfortunate." Diandra deadpanned. The workers looked towards the two.

They began to clap.

"Didn't handle pressure too well, did he? He was practically bursting with tension." Percy said.

"Oh, shut the fuck up, Percy." Diandra replied.

"Should we warn them about the bomb?" Percy asked.

Diandra looked around, and sighed.

"Yeah. Let's get them to a safe place."

xxx

After the unlikely heroes of the government inspection team got the rest of the kallikantzoroi to a safe place, they settled in to watch the fireworks. Except, the bomb didn't seem to be going off.

"Hippo, are you sure you set it up right?" Diandra asked.

 _Of course I set it up right. Who do you take me for? The boss?_

"Hey!" objected Percy.

They were looking in on the grove, the large tree with the shit-ton of explosives and desecrated work station making for a splendid view. But, Percy thought all of that stuff blowing up would look even better.

"Does it need a match?" Diandra asked.

"No. We had it wired to go off when we press this button."

Diandra sighed.

"Have you tried pushing the button?"

"Of course! Who do you think I am? Hippo?"

Percy yelped as Hippo stomped on his foot.

 _You'd think a couple millenia together would teach you something._

"Okay. Here's the plan," said Diandra. "You rats, no matter what I think, are not expendable. You will be relegated to watching. I will go in range and set off the bomb."

"Diandra, in case you haven't realized, you're a cat. You don't have opposable thumbs."

Diandra raised an eyebrow. Or an eyebrow equivalent.

"Did you just call me a cat?"

"Call you? You can't change what you are, Diandra."

Diandra's skin stretched, and her bones cracked. It was like that scene in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, when Remus turns into a werewolf. You know the one, right? That scene fucked up my childhood, it did. Anyways, where there once was a weird cat, there was now a beautiful twenty-something woman with purple eyes, yada yada. All the furries are probably getting hard-ons.

"I was a polecat, plebeian."

Percy, who hadn't batted an eye at the transformation, shrugged.

"That's, what? A four letter difference?"

"If you weren't protected by Chaos it would've meant the difference between Hades and your life."

Percy smirked.

"Nice. Very dramatic."

Diandra glanced at him, and wiggled her thumbs.

"If I get blown up, I will kill you."

 _What about if you get blown up twice?_ Hippo interjected.

One look from Diandra silenced him.

She slowly moved into the grove, stealthily stepping as only one who can turn themselves into a polecat can. When she was halfway to the tree, there was a massive explosion.

"Diandra!" yelled Percy.

Hippo looked at him.

 _How's that gonna help? We need to get in there!_

But, it didn't matter. Diandra somehow managed to avoid the fireballs falling from the sky, and beckoned them to follow her.

In the wreck of the tree of life, there lay the pendant of a blue eye. Beside that, the ghost of Zoë Nightshade.

xxx

Hecate was there to meet them at the entrance to the Kerameikos graveyard. Zoë hadn't woken up, but when their high wore off she was inexplicably with them, as well as the evil eye. Diandra had turned back to her polecat form, and skittered towards the goddess, climbing up to rest on her shoulder.

"Hello, hero. I am pleased to make your acquaintance."

Percy frowned.

"Have we met before? I honestly don't remember."

The goddess quirked an eyebrow. Percy continued.

"We might in the future. I honestly forgot; it was such a long time ago!"

Hecate was wearing a flowing red dress, and held torches in both hands. Her eyes were awash in light, but Percy couldn't tell if that was because of the torches or some weird magical power.

"At first glance, I cannot see why Kronos would be intimidated by a squirt like you."

Percy laughed.

"Well, give it a couple years. Now, let's get down to business."

"I'm far ahead of you, hero. I have collected the statues, all I need now is the eye. Gale, if you will."

Diandra took the eye from Percy's possession.

 _What? I thought that was Diandra!_ said Hippo.

Hecate didn't bother him with an answer.

"I thank you for your service. Receive your gift."

Percy backed up slowly.

"Woah. What will this gift entail? The last deity I trusted to give me a gift stabbed me in the ear."

"Nothing that bad. Or do you not want to the gift of magic?" Hecate asked.

Percy paused, then stepped forward.

"Actually, that does sound pretty cool."

Faster than lightning, the goddess thrust her torch into his chest. The smell of charred flesh permeated the air. It was over in an instant, and when the torch left Percy's flesh Diandra and Hecate disappeared. Percy looked at his bubbling skin.

" _Fuck._ That fucking hurt _._ "

 _You've had worse._

"I think that was magical fire!"

 _I honestly don't care. What are we going to do with your friend?_

"My friend?"

 _You know, the ghostly one that was in the middle of that tree, who's currently lying on the ground in a dank Greek cemetery?_

"Oh. Zoë. I kinda forgot about her."

xxx

Heading back to their hotel room was a pain. Zoë still hadn't woken up, and carrying a ghost isn't the easiest thing in the world. When they finally got back, it was definitely past their bedtime. They gave Zoë the bed, and crashed on the floor.

xxx

Percy awoke to a tingling feeling all over his face. It seemed Zoë had woken up, and was trying to kill him.

"Excuse me? I was trying to get some sleep."

Zoë growled, but her ghostly hands weren't finding any purchase on the world around her. Everytime she tried to claw a t Percy, her fingers just went through his face.

"Who are you? Why am I not in the Underworld?"

Percy looked hurt.

"How could you forget me? It's Percy!"

She stopped.

"Perseus? I've heard better lies from Frenchman!"

She continued trying to kill him.

"No, really. I killed Kronos, then the Giants showed up, and I killed them, but they killed pretty much everyone else, and then Chaos showed up, and now I'm here."

She stopped again, this time for a longer period.

"Only the French could possibly lie that badly. At least put some effort into it, and don't feed me some half-concocted, ill thought-out solution of an idea!"

"Why aren't you talking in Old English?"

"How do you know I used to talk in Old English?"

Percy sighed.

"I already explained that. I'm Percy Jackson."

"I demand proof! Swear it on the Styx."

So he did. When he wasn't blasted to ashes, she looked rather surprised.

"Well, Perseus. You have a lot of explaining to do."

"Have you met Hippo yet? Hippo!"

Hippo woke up, startled.

 _Boss?_

"Hey! Would you mind grabbing us some coffee? I need to catch Zoë up on things."

Once they had settled in, Percy began his story. He went over his tasks in the barest detail possible, not really wanting to relive his experiences. As a result, Zoë had a passing knowledge of his ordeal, but not enough to form any strong opinions.

"Where do I fit into this?" she asked.

Percy shifted.

"You're apparently the friend I brought back from the dead. Or, the one who's soul string I chose. By the way, we should probably get going to Mount Tamalpais. You'll probably want your body back."

Zoë sighed.

"I guess I wasn't ready for death anyways. I wouldn't have had it any other way, but after two-thousand years, you do get used to the hunt."

"How long have you been dead? And how'd you lose the accent?"

"I must've been dead for a solid hour. I annoyed Charon enough that he cursed my voice. The only Old English I can speak is now lines from Shakespeare, and no matter how uncivilized modern tongue is, I refuse to quote any man."

Percy nodded.

"Of course. How should we get to Mount Tamalpais?"

"How do you think? We'll have to fly."

"Fuck."

xxx

Samyaza wasn't having a very good week.

While he hadn't had a fun week in a very long time, that with being trapped in a tetrahedron by the Catholic Church, he also hadn't had a week this bad in a very long time. Usually he would've just chilled in his little box, entertaining himself through reminiscing about that time Satan had let him test out that cool new razor-wire fire whip on the souls of the damned. But, instead he was to track down some fucking statue from some weird mediterranean country.

He had followed the trail like a good boy, but jesus fucking christ that shit was boring.

His internal radar pinged.

"Goddamnit! Where the fuck is this kid going?!"

He was familiar with the mortal contraption "Aeroplane", but that didn't mean he had to like it. Hadn't he stretched his goddamned wings enough?

xxx

Percy hated airplanes. They were loud, rickety, turbulent, unstable, unsteady, rachitic, and scary. Zoë wasn't making anything better.

"Oh, get over yourself Perseus. It's only a twelve hour flight."

Percy groaned.

The stewards was almost finished boarding, and the plane was absolutely packed.

"We could've just swum! It wouldn't take that much longer!"

Zoë turned to him.

"You would've been exhausted, and we still don't know what the ritual requires. And are you forgetting that I died there a few hours ago? As well as the docked Princess Andromeda?"

"Uh, yeah? It's been a couple thousand years for me."

"Pssht. I remember every day since I turned eight. And I'm around the same age as you."

"Weren't you in the hunt during the Orion incident?"

Her gaze focused, which was strange to see on a spirit which was inherently out of focus.

"Indeed I was. Why?"

Percy flinched.

"No reason."

Percy watched as a young mother shoved her toddler in one of the overhead compartments for carry-on baggage.

"Excuse me?"

A woman had approached them.

"Is the seat next to you taken?"she asked Percy. Percy looked to Zoë, whose eyes were murderous.

"No," he said cheerily. "Feel free."

If he was flying, he might as well not be the only uncomfortable one.

xxx

The flight took less than an hour, because Chaos warped time for it, they completed the ritual successfully, and Chaos de-aged Percy so that they both looked fourteen (it would look a lil bit really fucking creepy if Percy was like 19 and Zoë was 14 and they were travelling around together. Maybe in Ancient Greece, but this is the fucking modern day. No pedo shit.). They would grow until their bodies were twenty-two years of age physically, and then come to a halt. Samyaza died of exhaustion somewhere over the Atlantic, and they were given ten years before their next task was to began. I couldn't be bothered to write that shit because I need to move on to the more awesome chapters, and Chaos gave me permission, so fuck you.


	6. Author's note

Hey guys! I'm in college now and I am happy to say I have rediscovered the spark for this story. Expect more! 


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